Shattering Flowers

Dude, why THE FUCK WOULD YOU GET ME FLOWERS. YOU SAID YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME. YOU CALLED ME DESPICABLY CRUEL. YOU HAVE RUINED ME. I HAVE RUINED YOU. I HAVE RUINED YOU AND I AM NOT SORRY. I RUINED YOU TO SAVE MYSELF. I WAS DISAPPEARING INTO YOU. I WAS BEING ENGULFED AND I WAS SUFFOCATING. I TRIED TELLING YOU IN QUIET AND YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME SO THIS IS ME TELLING YOU IN LOUD. SOMEWHERE IN MY HEART I AM SORRY. ONE DAY I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT THIS WAS NOT ONLY MY FAULT. ONE DAY I WILL GET RID OF THE TWINGE IN MY BACK TELLING ME TO KEEP TYPING. I DON’T LOVE YOU. I DON’T LOVE YOU. I DON’T LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU DESPERATELY. I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN I LOVE YOU. I LOVE MY SELF MORE THAN I LOVE YOU. I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAT I LOVE YOU. YOU TOLD ME TO PRIORITIZE MYSELF AND EACH TIME I TOLD YOU THAT IF I DID SO THEN I WOULD NO LONGER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT I WAS CHOOSING TO LOVE YOU MORE THAN ME AND I HAVE NOW CHOSEN MYSELF AND YOU ARE UPSET WITH ME TAKING YOUR ADVICE EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I DID THIS. I DID THIS FOR ME. I DIDN’T DO THIS FOR YOU. I DID THIS TO LOVE MYSELF. I WAS TRYING TO GIVE YOU ALL THE LOVE YOU DIDN’T RECEIVE IN CHIDLHOOD AND IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH FOR YOU. I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. I HATE THAT YOU GOT ME FLOWERS. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT WHEN THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO ME WAS “DON’T CONTACT ME.” HOW CAN YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR LISTENING TO YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO SEE YOU BUT NOT RIGHT NOW. I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T KNOW WHEN IS THE NEXT TIME I WILL WANT TO SEE YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I HATE THAT YOU ARE NOT LIVING YOUR TRUTH. I LOVE YOU. I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU BUT IT’S NOT HOW YOU WANT. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. IT IS SO GRATIFYING TO SCREAM EVEN IF IT’S ONLY IN MY HEAD. I THREW YOUR FLOWERS OUT AMONGST SIDEWALK WEEDS. I MIGHT AS WELL HELP LIFE IN THE DEATH OF MY RESPECT FOR YOU. I DON’T RESPECT YOU ANYMORE. I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOU. I WISH I STILL LOVED YOU. I COULD WISH TO BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, BUT I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH TO SACRIFICE MYSELF TO THE ALTER OF YOUR BODY. ASK OTHERS TO DO IT BECAUSE I CAN’T ANYMORE.

I USED TO LIKE BEING A WIFE. I USED TO LIKE BEING CALLED YOURS. I USED TO LIKE BEING SOMEONE’S. I LIKE BEING MINE AND IT TASTES HORRIBLE AND I LOVE IT WITH ALL MY MIGHT.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU AND ONE DAY SOON THESE I LOVE YOUS WILL STOP BEING ABOUT ANOTHER AND WILL BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AND HORRIBLY AND WONDERFULLY AND MAGNIFICENTLY BE ABOUT ME.

my intrusive thought “i wish i could drink myself to death” and i know that’s not what i want because life is too terrible and sweet to bring on death too soon. I am experiencing the fullness of life and i hate it and i don’t want it to end.

you gave me flowers and it broke my heart. i threw them out on the street and i wish they shattered.