Shackles

Dear Diary,

How am I today?

What do I have to say that I haven’t already said to you?

Lack luster,

My days are starting to blend together.

Numb…I swear I’ve reached of point of being burned out.

FML!

You know what it means!

You know how it feels!

You know that eventually the pain will end, and the healing will begin…

But when?

~

I thought about it again today.

I thought about what life might look like without me.

I thought about how horrible life feels without you.

And I thought about nothing,

As I laid in darkness in the solace of my bed and dark room.

What’s keeping me here, tied down to life?

What keeps you here?

~

I woke up today, that was a start.

I laid in my bed for most of a day before finally dragging myself out and reaching for existence again.

I feel like a fire burning out…

Smothering and smoldering within an empty dark room.

~

I looked at the mirror today,

Expecting to see the little girl so desperately in need of my love, time, and affection

And instead, I smashed my fist into the glass.

Anger, hurt, pain, longing burst through me in a fit,

And I stood there staring at the chaos I had created.

Kneeling,

My knees tear with the piercing glass.

It stings, it bleeds, it hurts more than my heart can bare.

~

Even in the brokenness,

I see her…

I see my spirit waning, hoping for something better, something more.

I’m crying out for peace,

But it’s so horribly quiet here.

All that’s missing are the chains that have held me down.

The shackles that have bruised my wrists.

There in the room.

I can feel the weight of despair lingering in the air.

~

Tears caress my cheeks.

My stomach clenches.

Somewhere in this nightmare,

I’ll force the screams to quiet,

And then I’ll come face to face with the demons within.

These faceless beings,

These black masses like death wrapped in a shroud.

~

Let it out!

Let out the depths of cries lingering on your soul…

Let out the pain and anguish,

The heart ache and heart break.

Watch it melt away…slowly…agonizingly…

Then take a breath.

A huge intake of air,

Until your lungs are ready to burst

Fill your lungs with the fire burning inside your veins.

Don’t give in to the pain.