Self Preservation

Every time I get hurt, I fold into myself.

I bookmark the occasion and set myself reminders, as someone does when they hike a trail they have never ventured. Breadcrumbs, they prevent me from repeating the same mistake or same behavior twice. I will know next time.

I will remember the steps that led me to expose too much of myself. If I learn and grow, the vulnerability will cease to show. Next time, no one will ever know.

I am close to identifying as a master at this, an expert. The exhausting, yet rhythmic dance of rehearsing like this. I have done it for the entirety of this life, you would assume it is muscle memory by now.

Consistency is the key to preventing leaks. If I can control thoughts, emotions at all times, I will be alright. Do not let them catch on. No one will ever know and no one will be none the wiser. I can conceal more intricately the next time. I have to. Only can I decode. Sometimes not even. Letting my guard down even temporarily has proven disastrous. Disassociation and compartmentalizing is where I shall reside until further notice.

I can find my way back to the fortress if I just follow the Acheron Configuration. So meticulously have I crafted it. I cannot always understand a portion of the original markers and what their abstracts hide. Mazes foreign even to my mind. Forcing forgetfulness of the memory, while urging the branding of the pain in order to grow. Reveling in the pain because I know I can endure to see proof of the improved tactical armor. It will sit heavier, but I will welcome the warmth of protection resting on my chest. Weighty and strong, a force to be reckoned with.

One slip and a bone may break, but what damage is being avoided to my heart should the foundation flake?