Self Care? In This Economy?

Grief is the price we pay for love,

Is it a price worth paying?

Budding flowers come sudden frost,

Promise of beauty now decaying.

No real benefit, compared to the cost,

I think I’ll stay self sufficient.

May have no direction, know I’m not lost,

Please don’t call me callous,

For I am just efficient.

Hope is just a goal that relies on reliance,

I choose determination, excuse my defiance.

Mistakenly trusted mistakes, I gave them my compliance,

I looked to others when I only needed my own guidance.

Some professionals told me balance is what I need to thrive,

Though I could not accept advice until I understood my life.

I’ve always prospered perfectly when I look in my own eyes

And say home is where my heart is, this is no disguise.

The heart I patched to my sleeve's the same damn one that bleeds.

The piercing past that I flee from is simply what made me 'me'.

The grace I’ve been given wasn’t granted by a god,

The grave I’ve been digging was to gift a farmer sod,

To plant the seeds of hopes, of dreams I thought I lost.

Well winter's over, spring has arrived,

Careful, juvenile seedling fertilized,

With a helpful hand on lusher land,

I utilized what I fought to find,

Uncertain child once cast aside,

Suddenly stubborn stars aligned,

I’m no longer paralyzed.

Externalized an erratic mind,

Internalized potential realized,

Brutalized became revitalized,

I am my own hero,

I am who I idolize.

Don’t put me on a pedestal, I am not your idol.

My ego’s just for me, I don’t need to be an icon.

The alter that I worship at is the self care of forgiveness,

Permission to let go of what I never wanted to witness.

This is not a soap box that I proudly stand on top of,

It’s the hill I thought I’d die on, the hell I crawled out from.

I’m not looking down upon you, my gaze is fixed ahead.

I felt the dread of my own head,

Made my final bed to lie on.

Learned to lend an ear instead

Of stealing shoulders to cry on.

May have lost my way, surely led astray from my sight,

When the tunnel I was tending never led me to the light,

But the one thing I did not, no I could never do,

Was be a quitter after all I’ve ever done was fight.

Compliments to my resiliency felt more like a condolence,

A bouquet upon a grave, a tribute to being broken.

Love and hope may be lofty goals for someone who feels torn,

Bear in mind, being beaten implies you can win if you try again.

Sticks and stones may break your bones but the spirit is within,

It may be cliche, yet it’s certainly worth noting:

Where you’ve been or where you are

Doesn’t have to lead to where you’re going.

I can say with certainty, in my experience,

It’s so much easier just knowing:

The past you’ve been running from cleared the path you're on,

Blows that hurt so bad are sad stems stretching to the sun,

The thorns that dragged you down are a clearing in the forrest,

The bumpier the road, the harder to look back,

But the journey has no bearing on what’s before us.

There’ll come a time you find your voice and join the chorus,

Hope is just a goal that relies on reliance,

I choose determination, excuse my defiance.

Mistakenly trusted mistakes, I gave them my compliance,

I looked to others when I only needed my own guidance.

Some professionals told me balance is what I need to thrive,

Though I could not accept advice until I understood my life.

I’ve always prospered perfectly when I look in my own eyes

And say home is where my heart is, this is no disguise.

I can’t afford anymore grief, no matter the cost,

Though my labor bore no fruit, t'was a labor of love.

I dug deep inside to find what scrutiny failed to see,

Healed my mind and cleared my sight 'til it dawned on me;

The glare that I was blinded by was a sign that I could thrive,

A smile so wide it shut my eyes, for I have won the fight.

Adolescent parts of you that die fertilize seeds you sow,

Pleasant peasant with no fruit only needed time to grow.

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