Santa's Christmas Lifts

All decked out in my Santa clothes

Furry red hat and thick underhose

One day till Christmas and I had no gifts

Time to go do some Christmas lifts

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Climbed through the window, went for the tree

Pretty wrapped presents, what a sight to see

Opened my bag and commenced to stuff

First went the cat then the powder puff

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Nimbly I climbed out a window on the side

When policeman’s puppy took a nip of my hide

Fido bit through the furry red suit

Then that policeman applied his boot

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Sack went flying, presents for my lad

Policeman said, "Santa you been bad"

Showed him my belt and my floppy red hat

Big bag of presents and the kitty cat

He scratched his head and said "Imagine that"

"Since when does Santa have a kitty cat?"

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"Well I found the poor thing stuck in a hole"

"Was gonna take her back, to the North Pole"

"Sled’s in the shop, it couldn’t fly"

"Upset reindeer on strike in their sty"

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He said "You’re not fat and where’s your beard?"

"This whole thing seems a little bit weird"

I patted my stomach, "Been working out"

"Doc said diet or you’re gonna have gout"

"The beard was a ticklin’ my little wife"

"Mrs. threatened to shave me with a butcher knife"

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He said "Climbing through windows what’s the deal?"

I said "Do you see a chimney? Come on get real"

He called off the puppy and said "Okay"

I gathered up presents to be on my way

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Just when I was stuffing ‘em back in my sack

A little bit of light shone from a crack

Front door opened and grandma came out

Still in her nighty she gave me a clout

Upside the head with a rolling pin

Fido growled and she hit me again

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I looked at grandma and said "Ho, ho ho?"

She waggled her finger and said "Oh Hell No!"

"He’s no Santa, he’s just a crook"

"This here’s my stuff he done took!"

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Policeman nabbed me - fish on a hook

Down to the station - he threw me the book

Head was a’bandaged, laying on a cot

Leg still throbbin’ I had me a thought

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Gonna grow a beard and gain me some weight

And next year if my shopping waits too late

First thing I’ll jack is a reindeer and sled

Stick on Rudolph a bulb of bright red

But this year Mama’s gonna have lots to say

After I see the judge on Christmas day