Rocks

I drive towards the nearly full moon

Towards the arms of a person who will make me feel happy

An ex loves yells echoing in my head

Triggering memories from years ago

Her words tearing like razors

Creating fresh cuts over the scars

Betrayal by a lover

Triggering betrayal by body

Falling in love with another

My fault retroactively in the situation

Late nights spent being yelled at

Believing the words out of her mouth

Sharp stoccatoes sticking like daggers

Tearing holes in my memory

Creating blank spaces where words once were

Shame over physical love

Trauma built up over passion

Cement sealing over my pieces

Creating myself into an impenetrable fortress

A fortress with bricks missing in its foundation

You were supposed to help me build my foundation

Instead you chipped away the pieces

Undermined my own intentions

Distracted me from loving myself

My body turned against me

And you made me believe it was my fault

Trickling blood running downstream

Blue taking over fuzzy peach

Atrophy taking muscle

I remember when the world snapped

became bright and too much to bear

Unrecognizable shapes instead of meaning

Colors instead of objects

Voices from another room out to get me

You showed me kindness in that moment

Helplessness stops anger for a second

Nurturing me in between bouts of abuse

Is this what a relationship is supposed to look like?

It’s what our relationship looked like

Six blissful days in the hospital

Silence from your rage

Needles sticking into my skin where your words once did

You brought me real food instead of hospital garbage

You held my hand when they drew my blood

Blood with your anger still running through it

You made me believe it would all end like this

Post it’s from another love

Reminding me why I should live

Keep living between pain and helplessness

I knew the paper was the tinder

The tinder to the kindling of your rage

I knew it would begin again

After this medical safe haven

Filled with silence but for I love yous

And you’ll get through this

Lyme mixing with mono

Creating a barely diagnosable concoction

You helped me heal my body

You held it over my head

As if I owed you something

As if my life were a debt I could never pay off

I wanted to give it back

There was no receipt

You had no return policy

You say I always play the victim

That I had done unforgivable things too

I did them long after

No excuse for my actions

Except it was in reaction

Reaction built with anger

Pushed down because you said you couldn’t help it

That I pushed all your buttons

That you’re a machine at my fingertips

Your buttons were stuck

My fingertips bled trying to pry them off

Defuse your circuits

Keep you from autopilot

You said you would be my advocate

If I needed anything

You said you’d be my rock

You were never my rock

Except the rocks that filled my pockets

As I walked into this ocean

Barely making it back to shore