Reluctant Recluse

I used to be a rebel, courageous, defiant.

Now I've become terrifyingly compliant.

Traumas changed me, I don't recognize myself.

Time’s changed me, I've become someone else.

There are foggy gaps in my memory of who I was.

When I was a child, did I ever feel loved?

Bedridden, I watched tapes from my youth,

Three years old, smiling, happy, once was the truth!

I cling to those memories remember they're real,

Doing that helps get me through all the bad years.

I've been broken, tormented, and cast aside so many times.

It’s foreign to me; trust, closeness, love, peace of mind.

I don't want your pity I just really need your advice…

Am I cut out for this world, can I handle this life?

I used to be a rebel, courageous and defiant.

Now I've become terrifyingly compliant.

Traumas changed me, I don't recognize myself.

Times changed me I've become someone else.

I'm getting to know the girl I've become,

A ghost of that three year old one;

With hope, confidence, feelings of security,

Here I am unhinged and spilling out my impurity.

Some say pain makes you stronger,

I'd say they're unkind.

Pain makes you numb

so you can't feel all the time.

You get used to it and keep it in

That dark place in your gut,

And everyone tells you how you're doing so much...

BETTER.

Better in your eyes is detached in mine,

I've just learned to hide it deep down inside.

I can't stand all the pitying eyes

and the half assed smiles,

and the miles and miles

I run in my head to escape

tragedies of time.

My past keeps following me

into every day life.

I can't keep it away if I keep it inside

no, I can't keep it away if I keep inside

I can't keep it away if I keep it inside

I used to be a rebel, courageous, defiant.

Now I've become terrifyingly compliant.

Traumas changed me I've become someone else.

Maybe sometime I can find strength to be myself