Reclamation

I still feel like I'm nothing without suffering. No longer stuck in a perpetual state of unhappiness. No longer trapped in the asylum you signed me up for. You did a terrific job in convincing every one of my insanity. You've occupied too much space in my cranium. You've taken up too many resources in my heart. A tapeworm with no regard to its host. Parasitical and notorious for feeding on my withered soul. I prayed for an end to your madness but had no idea you would return to poison me after you left. You're still here, lingering. No longer causing havoc but still leaving a mess in your wake. I escaped the misery that always mesmerized me. I've had enough of the shame and guilt you always caused me. The pain decreases every day but it still rattles my bones. There isn't anything here that you still own. I gathered my material for my war paint. I was naive, once, long ago. You too were once invigorating but that was just in the beginning, I squandered my potential for a man who never had any. I refuse to bow down to a plan I never had any say in. I don't know if you ever tried your best but it wasn't good enough. I'm redefining myself and how I love myself. Without you, I reached that point of nirvana where I can finally put myself first. You either bring me peace and joy or you can go right back through the subterranean tunnels you crawled out of. I ran out of faith with you but that same faith is now mine to control. I couldn't keep sacrificing for you especially when you weren't doing the same for me. I couldn't keep being blind to your indulgences when you always put yourself first. I have to save myself or be the martyr thrown into the volcano to appease your righteousness. I have to put myself back onto that pedestal and not replace it with another man. This potential man cannot be you come back to haunt me in another life form. These are my terms and they cannot be altered because they are carved in stone. If another man wishes to replace you, may he be worthy of my worthiness. If another man believes he can, may he provide the arms that lift me up higher than the hands you used to keep me down. I can't be down there with you. Not anymore.