Reactor 4

I only ask that you get what you deserve. After all these years of putting yourself first. I can't deny the shock nor the relief that somehow still hurts. It was either you or me that needed to leave and I don't know which way was worse. I'm glad I didn't lose my nerve. I'm glad you can't swallow me up anymore. The fallout was endurable because I had already planned on radiation poisoning. I witnessed the meltdown of our egos flush away any chance at redemption. I knew you weren't infallible but you still had to prove you were. How do I redefine myself when you were the one defining factor? What more can I disregard? Every single red flag and inconsistent flaw? Who was I before the procedure of lobotomy? You left me in standby mode and now I'm in recovery mode. Who am I after this hypothetical treason? If I remember the despair, then I remember everything. If I ever said forever, then I'm sure I meant it at the time. I watched these events unfold as if I wasn't an active participant. Life just happened as if I had no will or choice. I could have altered my course and sailed for new waters. Instead, I sat the helm and marooned this shipwreck into hostile Mercury. I tried to even the score and keep three steps ahead of you. Why did we treat this love like a competition? This board game of a marriage was a crooked one from the start. Rewards and punishments were the way I demonstrated my resolve. How could we have spoken the truth that everything was falling apart? How did I ever believe that you were redeemable once? I don't know if certainty will ever find me but I will search for it with the utmost sincerity. I've already pivoted from scheduled unhappiness. Deviating from unwelcome reality and inevitable consequences. I always wanted more but you always settled for less. The strongest commitment was the one I could only make for myself. It's just a flimsy word when actions don't align and you never follow through. I kept projecting the worst I could imagine and you still somehow managed to undermine even that. This broken alliance hasn't summoned a surrender out of me yet. I am still loyal and devoted, just to myself. You had me wallowing in pity notions and unfounded doubt. Because of you, selfishness is something I could do without. You were the collateral damage in the war against myself. You continuously chose yourself over everyone else. Somehow, you still bring out the worst in me. Somehow, I still let you have this profound effect on me. What is this hellfire I keep waltzing through? Why do I allow this hysteria to continue? Will this lunacy ever end? When will your ghost stop haunting me and let me move on? I have new elevations to conquer. I have more sights to behold. I must cut out this cancer like a tumor in order to heal. This meltdown is imminent and must be shut down. I can't escape the contamination but I can escape you. We have been hazardous to ourselves and it's time for inoculation. My gas mask is useless but it's still my best defense. I will go left while you go right. I can't focus on you anymore if I want to flee from radiation sickness. I can still make it out alive. I know I can