Reaching for the Clouds

Their words flow like always

Sharing the truth and the love and the critical,

But where yesterday those words felt easy,

Today they chill me, making me quake.

Yesterday I was confident and happy,

But today I am questioning every thought in my head;

I’m running in circles of frustration

And asking myself why I’m not as calm as I was just a day ago.

I’m navigating new ground,

Relearning who I am

Because the voices in my head no longer feel familiar,

And it shakes the woman I am to my core

I used to think I was a mountain of strength

But now I see I hid behind the mountain

And beneath it, I was raw, vulnerable,

And I was running from every sad emotion--

But I can’t run now

The voices get louder,

and they are so much more critical than I’m used to

Every high can be followed by a low that literally takes me to the ground...

And I ache to be back in the clouds;

I look up at the sky with tears streaming,

And I remind myself that I’m still up there...

This dirt beneath my fingers is just an illusion,

Just a nightmare that’s taking longer to wake up from.

It’s so hard to admit that I wasn’t taking care of myself;

I thought putting on a smile, focusing only on the good, was the right way;

The problem was, that I never dealt with the nitty-gritty...

and eventually, the grit came back around as a monster

I feel like a prisoner within my own body,

Two sides of myself fighting,

one side screaming every negative over and over,

But the other voice is gentle, encouraging,

and when I focus on that voice,

I realize it’s louder and brighter than the darkness crowding me from every side

There is brightness pouring in from the darkened edges,

And as I feel the warmth of that light;

I know I’m not as far away from hope as the lies like to make me feel I am;

But it is time to slow down,

to breathe more deeply,

to rest even when the world tells me to run

Because it is in peace that I find my soul again.