Rainbow of emotions

Red: I feel frustrated and angry. Is it at myself? Or the world?

It’s always at myself. Deep down I know that. I see the color burning me up like a raging fire. Fierce and angry. Why am I unable to do the most common thing? Do what will help me in my future.

Orange: bright but not blinding. I am impartial. I don’t care about what happens. I do care what happens. I’m indifferent. Depending on the day I may lean one way or another. It could be bright and blinding neon or it could be cool muted to spark a bit of color in a dreary day to keep pushing me forward.

Yellow: I’m soft. I’m bright. I’m too much for some and not enough for others. Happy but also trying to find where I shine the brightest. Can I be too bright that I block out my own rays? I love pale yellow but maybe I want to be a soft buttercup yellow. A dandelion. Yellow doesn’t have to be happy but it’s so bright how do you expect it not to be? It’s more than happy though. It is just peaceful.

Green: lush and comforting. Earthy. Grounded. I’m safe. I’m home. But where is home? Home is where I want it to be and sometimes this doesn’t feel like it. But green is safe. It surrounds me like a freshly dried blanket encompassing me in a cocoon. One day I’ll emerge a beautiful butterfly. But for now I’ll stay a unsure caterpillar waiting to make my mark on the world and find my true home.

Blue: my favorite and the saddest. I just feel so sad. Like an endless rain storm and I’m the only one stuck outside with an umbrella. I am inadequate and melancholy. I could do so much better. I should be so much better. But I’m not. I sit here feeling stuck in a state of nothing. I’m too self-critical but I’m just stuck. Walls aren’t closing in but they could. And I have no power to stop them. Not that I would even try.

Purple: strong and supportive like my best friend. I lack power. I lack certainty. I’m full of disorganized thoughts and ideas. I’m unable to make decisions and follow through when they mean the most. I want that power. She stands by my side through whatever I am feeling. I want to feel the same power and certainty that she has day to day. She has rough days but she still stands so tall to me. I don’t want her on a pedestal, I want to be her equal.

Pink: cute. Soft. Love. What is love? Have I ever truly known romantic love? Have I felt it or only given it? Can I be gifted the same warmth and the cute fuzzy feelings. Passion. I want it too full me up encouraging me and give my life meaning. But, I cannot find it. Passion is needed in life. I love many things But I lack passion. Do those two things not coincide. Instead I feel lonely and unsure.

White: pure. Absolute undeniable sincerity. Being truthful. White lies, the ones that don’t hurt anyone and yet sometimes I think I live my entire life full of them. Spilling out of me, filling an ocean with insincere niceties and false promises. Fake smiles plastered to my face always followed by the hollow words, “I’m fine.” What would it be like to be completely honest for a day? No white lies, no fake smiles. Are humans capable of such idealistic moments?

Gray: muted and hollow. Vague and mysterious. A quiet forest after a harsh rain. All is quiet. I’m always quiet. Screaming inside my own head begging to be let out. Pleading for something. Anything. Some color to chase away the emptiness that creeps in. But I’m lost in this expansive stifling box. It’s too quiet. But how can it be quiet when you hear your own screams?

Black: lost. Disappointment. Unsatisfied. I wasn’t good enough then so why am I now? Mistakes I make feel like they are growing because all I ever do is nothing. I’m not doing anything worthwhile. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t have the means to keep moving forward when there is no forward. Not even a backward. I’m stagnant. One day everyone will realize that and leave. Because you don’t want to keep waiting for something that never happens. As much as you wish it would. I’m a shell. But what did I use to be full of? Was a void always a void?