Purple Pants

Have you ever felt like the universe was doing you a favor?

Like when you randomly buy purple sweat pants because they were on clearance.

And then you’re assigned to sit next to the most popular girl in freshman year gym class.

And she asks “Hey, are you a lesbian?”

And you say, “No! What? Why?”

And then she says "Because your pants are purple, and purple is a lesbian color.”

And you get confused and say no. It’s just pants. Pants from the clearance rack.

And then after class when you’re taking a shower you think to yourself “Well. I mean...if I did have to like anyone, would it be girls?”

And then you realize that even though you’ve never like-liked anyone before, never had a first kiss, don’t even have the slightest idea how sex with girls works. If you really had to think about it, all the way to the back of your brain, would it be girls? It would.

You don't know how - but she was right, maybe you are a lesbian.

And that maybe when you chose your sweat pants you actually wanted the purple ones, it wasn’t just because they were on the clearance rack.

But you don’t even consider telling anyone because that would be weird. They’d say how do you know? And you’d have to say. I don’t know, but I just do.

So instead of thinking what it means to "like purple pants", you decide to double down on the purple clothing instead. And buy more purple sweatpants. And then purple underwear so when people ask you for a fun fact you can say “I wear at least one piece of purple clothing a day”.

And then you make a list of colleges that you want to go to and all their colors happen to be purple.

And then you actually go to one of those colleges.

And then you get even more purple clothing and furniture and jewelry and then liking purple becomes something that people notice about you.

And you love that.

And you never hide this part of your life.

The loving purple part. But you hide a lot of other parts.

You show up in a purple flowery dress to your sister's graduation, but your partner doesn't join you.

Your family wears Northwestern Wildcat purple on Thanksgiving, but you leave the dinner table when your family takes turns making gay jokes.

You're gifted a dark purple suitcase for your birthday, but your parents tell you they don't want to hear about Queen Night at the local Drag club.

Your mouse and mousepad at your desk are pastel purple, but you won't tell your co-workers what you did over the weekend.

You've planned a soft lavender theme for your wedding, but it will be without many of your family members in attendance.

You're somehow all of these shades of purple living a colorless life. You're exhausted watching every word you speak, you're lonely even when you're with your people, you're hiding in plain sight, you're darkness when it's bright.

You wish being a lesbian was the same as liking purple.

It's easy for people to accept even though you like purple.

It's easy for people to love you even though you like purple.

It's easy for people to understand you even though you like purple.

It's easy to tell your friends or your grandparents or your coworkers that you like purple.

It's easy to imagine a future for yourself even though you like purple.

No one tells you that you have to like a different color, just because you don't like the same one as them.

No one cares when you just really like purple.