public announcement in response to rebellion

ATTENTION, ALL CITIZENS:

due to the recent rise in rebel attacks—

against both the Regime,

and Great Leader himself—

and the random acts of insurrection,

and the violence incited,

and the crimes committed,

we will be instituting a ban on illegal activities

associated with rebellion.

the following activities are prohibited,

effective immediately:

• criticizing the Great Leader
• consuming late-night television the Great Leader dislikes
• gathering in groups of three or more
• wearing sweatpants to the airport
• taking tylenol, or circumcising your sons
• protecting your neighbors
• thinking for yourself

peaceful protests will be met with violence,

staged as if incited by rebel radical left scum.

let us remind you that inciting violence is a felony,

and you will be charged to the full extent of the law

(unless you are on our side)

(additionally, we’ve done away with due process).

the Regime reserves the right to kidnap arrest anyone

we see fit—be they a child, parent,

or politician of another country—

and will.

the Regime reserves the right to use deadly force

without cause in self defense,

and will.

the Regime reserves the right to lie to you,

and will.

remaining agitators will be hunted down

and defeated. give up now.

give up hope.

this is your final warning.