Psychosis Poems #106

What do I feel?

Nothing on some real.

I am devoid,

Of what a human feels.

I am depression,

Some call me the void.

Of everything,

I will make you devoid.

Apathy will come too,

Then it will consume you.

After the apathy comes,

All feelings and emotions,

They will fucking run.

Run and hide,

Deep down inside.

Until you cannot take it,

Until you lose your shit.

It will not help,

By taking that hit.

Because I am the void,

I come last.

Thoughts will leave you,

Oh so fast.

Blank in the brain,

Yes, I am insane.

Don’t you see?

There are differences,

Between you and me.

You feel alive,

I wish I was not.

Oh shit,

I guess I do have some thoughts.

But they are intruding,

Ruminating, brooding.

Now I dissociate,

Cannot see straight.

Detached as fuck,

Alarms are going off,

Like on a fire truck.

This really sucks,

This life.

I take each day,

I take it in strife.

But not without grife,

Or without pain.

No emotion left,

Outside of pain.

I can't even feel,

Feel that rain.

I am the void,

I will fuck you up.

I will make you,

Hate your life,

Hate yourself.

Hmm let’s see,

If I can ruin,

Something else?

I am the void.

I am nothingness.

But I am now,

Such a mess.

I cry harder,

Than a newborn.

Fuck.

Why can’t I be reborn?

I am the void.

From humanity,

You become devoid.

Almost no feeling left,

But so much to say.

How did I end up this way?

Is the void here to stay?

How long will it last,

I hope it goes fast.

Before it’s too late,

And I meet my fate.

Well shit,

I guess it's my date.

To change,

To live.

I have so much to give.

Fuck the void,

And how I became devoid.

This is the story,

Of my honest depression.

Did you read it all?

Have you learned your lesson?

I am not the void,

I have a voice.

To live and love life,

That is my choice,

It was not before.

But it is now,

Can I really change?

Holy cow!

Today I choose life,

I choose self-care.

Fuck it.

Call that my own,

Self-love affair.

Do you have to stare?

I know I'm not like you.

But you don't see me,

Being judgemental,

Like you,

Take a walk.

In my shoes,

Trust me when I say..

I wish it were,

Just some blues.

But you don't get it,

You wouldn’t know.

Do you think we do it,

Just for show?

But you don’t know,

Know my void.

And how much it hurts,

When I am devoid.

It makes apathy,

Look like a dream.

What did I just say,

What does this mean?

It means I am the void,

Yet again I am devoid,

Of all thoughts,

Emotions too.

Don't you understand yet?

I'd kill to have it as easy,

Easy as you do.

But hey,

I'm still alive.

Three attempts,

Yes of suicide.

I do promise,

To not ever again try.

I say fuck this void,

No more thoughts devoid,

I choose my life.

Without that grife,

Through all the pain,

Even to my disdain.

I finally can say,

I love me.

All of me together,

Me and my system.

We will fare the stormy weather,

We will put on some leather.

And suck it up,

But I love my system.

Yes I have DID,

I wish I could explain.

The pain it has caused me,

But there is no point.

In explaining myself,

I am already,

In fucking hell.

But isn’t life swell,

Don’t you love the pain?

Life won't care.

About my pain,

So I muddle through.

And tie my shoe,

While I wait.

For you to come back,

Back with my other shoe,

How did it fare for you?

A day in my mind?

I told you already,

I warned you how,

It is so unkind.

But it is my mind,

I love it so.

But fuck this shit,

When it snows.

I choose life.

And self hate no more.

I wonder a lot,

About what my life,

Has in store for me.

I would tell you my dreams,

But you say I am crazy.

Oh well.

Saying fuck depression today,

Today I choose love.

And choose it my way,

I think it is here to stay.

The self-care,

The best Christmas gift.

Is being self-aware,

So why do you stare?

Go away.

I did not ask you,

Ask you to stay.

But before you leave,

Can you please tell me why?

Why I live?

With all this pain?

While I’m alive?

Whatever.

Psychosis Poetry Collection is out for pre-order for my first ever novel release, have a look sometime if you enjoy my poetry. <3

--Nex Siren