Processing feelings

I had never processed

When i was young and he left i hid away and withdrew from people and i wouldnt let anyone know how i felt

They said i was angry

And i felt sad

And alone

And i wouldnt speak to anyone or let anyone help me

or look after me or touch me

And i still dont

I wouldnt let anyone see the real me or how i really felt,

i confused them

I didn’t really know how i felt

And i still dont

So now i’m crying and crying and i don’t know what to do with it

I have to explore how i feel and discover the feelings

that i didnt want to

And I don’t want to

i have to let people see how i really feel and hold me now because

i need the comfort that i never allowed before, to heal

I never let her heal or process or be nurtured, i never nurtured her or trusted people to help me after i was so hurt

And i dont want to feel, because it can be so so painful

And when it hurt i was so afraid that i ran away because that’s what a kid does when they’re afraid

And that little girl found a mask to keep her safe and hide behind

and i havent taken that mask off since

And i have so many fears, and fears just seem to multiply

And they won’t leave me alone anymore

Because everything grows and gets bigger, like you grew and got bigger

And then the bigger it is the harder it is to fight

I have to show my child self it’s ok, it’s safe, there is support and love around you. And there always was.

Or those fears will never go away

And those fears that have grown bigger and bigger

and adult fears are too strong for a child

Maybe if i can be vulnerable as an adult, then the people i love like my mother and father can reassure me now

and still be there after i cried and cried

and then both me’s will know that it’s ok to show how sad you were

Because I can trust the people now that I didn’t then

they aren’t the same people.