Pretending (lamentations)

I want to be yours

but I am not quite yours

and I cannot be yours completely

Not yet anyway

But I like to pretend I am

I enjoy pretending

though it hurts

It's beginning to kill me

I'm going insane because of it

I really enjoy pretending

probably because it makes me smile

genuinely

and I hardly ever do that anymore

I am weak

a weak girl who pretends to be strong

But when I'm with you

I am vulnerable

You are the only one I don't mind being vulnerable to

When I'm with you

I don't mind you being in control

because that's the way I feel it should be

Oh, this pretending

It's killing me

I want to lie outside

at night

in the rain

and let the cold water soak into my skin

Then I want to die

and become nothing but a dead, lifeless, corpse

and a memory

My love,

am I going insane?

I am no longer sure at this point

I hate feeling like this

It's like I'm drunk on emotion

I also hate when I write poems like this one

because 90% of the time when I go back to read them

I realize it sucks dick

My dear love,

I've been avoiding you

and it's been hurting me

I don't deserve a man like you

You love me so well

You're a wonderful lover

and you know how I mean that

But it's hard

We have to make sure we don't get too caught up

in the moment

in our emotions

or someone might walk in before we notice

I like to pretend

that you're beside me in bed

I like to pretend

a lot in my head that may never happen

I like to pretend

I'm less alone than I really am

You

are the only one really there for me

But yet

Outside

I have to pretend you're not

I desire things

that are way above my level

The things I desire

we can't do

So I have to pretend we can

all in my head

"It's hard to lose

but it hurts to pretend"

.........................................................................................................................

Many of my poems quite often have this strange combination. Love and depression. I've always thought that they mingled with one another. To be in love with someone and to be depressed seems to strangely bring the relationship closer in which they both get to know each other further as they solve issues together. It's much harder to fight depression alone. The last line was a quote from one of my other poems I also published on vocal. It was called home (lost). I included it because I felt that it fit right into the just of this poem.

The point of all of that was to explain that writing this poem was a helpful and enlightening experience for me. It also allowed me to learn about myself and my own emotions. I hope that releasing it allows others to maybe understand and even learn about themselves as it did for me.