Praying at a Concert

I sipped my dark bitter red wine

and swayed as the alcohol made my feet heavy,

and my body loose. I looked to the stage as the lights changed.

Bright yellow and orange to a calm dim purple.

Flower petals fly onto the stage floor.

The couple before me backed up.

The guy led her by the hand.

She smiles eagerly, very slightly stumbled once over her feet,

And fell right into him. He caught her and rubbed her arms.

The crowd began to roar; "Yeahs!" and "Woo Hoos!" all in unison.

The guy planted his feet and his girl turns to the stage. He wrapped his arms around her.

She relaxed her head on his chest and smiled.

Roses petals are thrown again,

the most astounding shower of grace in masterful light.

He pecked her cheek- gently… gently…

She smiled again and

I could almost see the dopamine rise from her skin.

The music begins.

The first song was about joy.

The second - about friendship.

And the third-

…

… about love.

My friend held me as the next song change came.

I swayed some more.

And I thought of you.

I can't help but to think about something brand new.

You are a world within yourself, and all I want to do is explore.

"I could lay here all day," you told me.

A smile. That perfect smile. Yours…

A spark.

How am I so lucky to have you?

Not obsession. Just deeply smitten.

And yet my mind wants to think otherwise.

My mind, my mind, my mind. I lay my head on your chest

And for the first time,

I heard a heartbeat

and it happened to be terrifying in action but beautiful in senses.

And I was so lucky that it was yours. It was yours, and you are mine.

And yet my mind, my mind, my mind screams 'distortion'.

A hyper surreal reality. A very pretty dream.

I never learned to appreciate or even accept positive attention.

I thought my life was destined for toxicity. But then you said:

"I could lay here all day"

And for once in my life, I could actually feel the lyrics of Snow Patrol's

Chasing Cars and my heart aches this- this magnificent

overwhelming ache.

Not love for you, the alluring person standing before me, but

Only for the admiration of existence.

This could be wonderful. Us, full of wonders.

You don't tell me all the things I want to hear. You don't push me aside.

You don't lie.

You hurt in the best way. A good panging.

All I do when I'm with you is admire. You make me feel present. Time freezes in your arms.

And my mind, my mind, this stupid, silly mind tries to take away all the goodness that is you.

So I fight the monster that came from under my bed, the same monster who tried to coax me into looking for something to be wrong with you. The same monster that tries to distract me.

And when you see me fight this monster, you stay with me. You let me be a mess in your arms. You …

One of the first things you gave me

was a song about strength in times of dark despair.

All of the dark clouds in my mind drifted apart.

I understood what connection is supposed to feel like.

I understand it clearly now.

When we lay in bed and let the playlist go on and on,

there's nothing that stops me from thinking about how lucky I am.

To hold you, to see you, to kiss you, to comfort you.

It was hard to settle the jitters.

To calm myself and clear you from my mind while I worked or danced or cleaned.

And as I stood in the crowd last night,

I looked around and I couldn't do anything but pray.

To the universe, to some god, to forces unknown.

Just having you, I am thankful.

This is a lot.

This feels fast.

This feels right, so far from wrong.

This…

Us…

I prayed about us at a concert.

Surrounded by lovers, dreamers, caretakers, losers, and winners.

I prayed about us at a fuckin concert.

Shit.

Don't hurt me badly. Don't make me a clown. Don't try to play a game I know so well.

Just lay with me like we always do and tell me the wild things in your head.

And I'll do my best to protect you.

Just do the same.

Maybe one day soon you'll pray about me at a concert too.