Ponderings

A simple touch

on the shoulder

a tight embrace

a rub of the back

a gentle kiss

I used to not be

years ago

a physical person

but over the years

I gradually became

and now

I miss those simple gestures

giving

and

receiving

someone to be

there for you

unconditionally

no matter what

to pull you out

of that darkness

that engulfs me

at times

falling in without

nothing to grab

or no one to grab

onto

I don't want

to feel

if I no longer

cannot have

that closeness

to another

Arms cannot embrace

memories

they are just

physical emptiness

at times,

an emotional rollercoaster

that I do not know

how much longer

I can ride

Maybe

if I can believe

my own acting

in the outside world

and shut the rest of me

off

I'd be happy

but I cannot find that switch

I think

it's glued into place

At times

I hate her

for leaving me here

alone

wandering aimlessly

and that

makes me feel selfish

But I know

she was ready to leave

for so long

for all the physical torture

she had been through

those past five years

I watched her suffer

lose everything that

she loved to do

what made her

the passionate soul she was

because she wanted

to ease my struggle

but what she did

was make me feel guilt

to not be able to care for her

in her time of need

I couldn't give her

a leg to walk again

my eyes so she could see again

a kidney so

she wouldn't be tied to

that machine she so despised

So few know

the true nature

of our closeness we had

which makes it

more difficult

and now I don't feel

any closeness like that

and really haven't

even in the last few years

when she was here

physically

I don't feel her here

in spirit now

I just feel cold

I wonder

if I really want

that emotional attachment again

and just have a physical attachment

if it's possible

I just want to stop

the tears

from falling

and move on

but I just can't seem

to find the road

to lead me there

and no teacher

to show me

the way