Pain

Modular Poem – Pain

Thursday

I remember parts of Thursday - watched "Coraline" and wrote tons of notes because we are watching it for a college class.

"Coraline" is a little creepy - why would I let my kids watch it? It's not like I can stop them, they are already adults. And they've already watched it.

Friday

Friday was my day of bliss with my hands in clay all day. Well until 2:00 p.m. Seven hours of bliss. Then I was home; something happened that distressed me into a panic. I was a reck for the rest of the day.

Saturday

I originally had plans for Fish n Chips; I canceled them. I told my friends a half-truth for the reason why. I made new plans on Friday for Saturday and ended up not doing the new plans either. I didn't lie - I just didn't tell the whole truth.

Instead of having a nice day out with my friends, I stayed home all day - cleaned; washed some clothes; finished an essay.

BTW: It’s not like me to lie. I didn’t want to lie - but I was embarrassed and ashamed...

Sunday

I don’t remember Sunday. I think I sat at my computer - Oh yeah, I did. I remember now. There was more homework to do, mail to open and files to organize. It was awesome, I found a short story I had started writing a while back - it's pretty good. Right now it's sad - I promise there is a happy ending - but not like a fairy tale happy ending - those aren't real. If they were I would be with the prince of my dreams.

Monday

I was excited about school; I was going to see my favorite people. I don’t think I’m theirs… I don’t care.

I still get to see them and talk with them. We share ideas and experiences - well not everyone - I have some friends who don't say much; but when they do it is meaningful, intelligent, brilliant and often pretty funny. Actually, it's just one friend. One of my favorites.

Oh, I put the wrong contacts in - because I couldn't see the color - apparently I wore my black ones and terrified all the students in the tutoring center; plus some of the tutors - this might explain the strange look I received from one of my favorites in the creative writing class. Another friend, Max, told me that he thought I was possessed.

Tuesday

I got to see two more favorite people. We watched the ending of "Coraline" and then my two favorite people and I worked on a poster. We drew an eye, a button, a drachma and the river Styx with the ferryman. I really enjoyed that. And we wrote some drivel: "the eyes are the windows to the soul". I guess it's not drivel - I cover my eyes with contacts so no one can see into my soul. I wear mine on my sleeve - or is that my heart?

OMG! I felt an earthquake after class. I freaked out. I told a friend. I don’t think he believed me. It was real. I swear. You can ask my other friend, who was there.

Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. I woke up this morning in pain. A pain that I am all too familiar with. It’s the pain that I was warned about. The pain that precedes the necessity of the wheelchair - kind of like the calm before the storm -but the storm is happening now. Victor purchased my new wheelchair six months ago. As soon as I become friends with the wheelchair I will have to schedule surgery. I will have to quit school. I will not be able to do anything for at least six months… the definition of complete empty calm.

I don’t want that. I want to live my life and do all the things that I haven’t done yet. I want to get another piercing and I want to get my first tattoo (I'm a little afraid). I want to kiss the young man that I fancy - I'm glad he doesn't know - At least I don't think so. I want to write an epic novel. I want to travel to Europe. I want to walk the line for graduation with my favorites.

So, I put my jazz shoes on and kicked my heel at the beautiful blue wheelchair sitting in the corner. I will wear these shoes all day so that I can feel each pebble and crack in the concrete. I will feel the warmth of the heated cement and asphalt and the texture of the carpet in the LRC. I will perform Tai Chi feeling every slat of wood along with its cracks. And I will memorize it all for when I can’t.