P.s. I Love You

P.s. I Love You

By. Paige Haynes

What is love? That’s the real question isn’t it, the one word that has a million different definitions. If you walk down the street and ask 10 different people, what is love? Some will say love is a choice, some say love is the feeling of being completely in awe of someone, some believe love is finding your soulmate, some believe love is attraction and desire and some believe its pain and unforgiving.

This is my experience, my definition, my truth.

The true story of my love at first sight experience.

I found my person I learned the true meaning of love that day, with one look I was overtaken by awe, and a consuming need to be his one and only, to just look at him and be the reason for his goofy unforgettable contagious laugh.

Lets go back to the beginning 06/20/11

Joshua was kind, the type to give the shirt off his back for a stranger, the type to take a homeless man out for breakfast, the type that would wave and smile at anyone he seen because he believed, just a simple hello and smile, could be all someone needed that day to not give up on life.

Joshua, goofy wild crazy hair, and my good friend at the time, and someone who I truly admired, asked me on a day date with him. Sitting in class watching the clock tick by in suspense I waited for the bell to ring, the longest minute of my life! Fnally it rang and I ran to the parking lot, giggiling and awkwardly tripping over myself being the clutz I am.

Seeing his HUGE 1987 Chevy Blazer and Josh standing by the passenger door nervous and smiling his million watt smile, holding the door for me I couldn’t help but full on smile, you know when your so excited and just flat out giddy like a kid, but want to act cool and so you try not to smile too hard, that’s how I was feeling, cold sweats, smiling like an idiot I climbed into his truck, we drove down back roads looking out the windows taking in all the beauty and wilderness, listening to music singing along hanging my feet out the window, singing along to twist and shout by the beatles at the top of our lungs his head bouncing around both just enjoying every moment happening, when we pulled into the middle of a field, tall grass over grown reaching towards the skies, and beautiful wildflowers.

Not understanding what we were doing and a little confused, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the gigantic red truck, and without hesitation I followed him, once we stopped I looked out at a beautiful private lake covered in Lilly pads and big white flowers growing among the Lilly pads, cattails surrounding the lake and a HUGE dock that had to be half a mile long, it was breath taking. We walked to the end and sat dangling our feet in the water letting the minnows nibble our toes, talking about life getting to know each other, laughing and acting goofy splashing each other and just enjoying each others company, shortly after out of nowhere, the sun still bright in the sky it started to pour rain, giggling I jumped up and said “I'll race you to the truck” and before he could answer, I took off down the dock Josh just strides behind me both laughing so hard we couldn’t breath, we reached his truck and just like that he looked at me like no one ever had before, beautiful blue green hazel eyes filled with awe, stared into mine with wonder, joy, confusion, curiosity, and an unfamiliar passion and love , I looked back shy and completely mesmerized standing in the pouring rain he held my hands in his and told me, you are it for me I don’t know how but I can feel it, I just know I will never be able to live this life without you in it by my side, and I won’t pretend I didn’t just experience love at first sight it may sound like a fairytale but I want to be your heart and soul if you’ll let me. in that moment he knew his heart was no longer his, but mine, he didn’t have to explain because I felt the exact overwhelming burning, warm, body mind and soul consuming experience, and I gave him my heart that day, no questions asked we jumped in.

The years went by and our love flourished we were completely consumed by each other, spending every moment driving down back roads, fishing, goofing off, chasing eachtother through feilds, laying in our field talking and laughing staring at the sky pretending to build a house for us together in heaven so we never have to live without each other, we would sneak out at night to be together and run around the woods by his house being crazy impulsive kids in love. We would passionately jump in each others arms after even a second apart. And dread when it was time to go home.

But with every relationship there’s always disagreements and we had ours for sure but the love we had and the good times we had, we always made it through any obstacle in our way, he was my strength and I his heart and soul.

Love, real true love is what we found, endless, consuming, acceptance in all flaws, always being considerate and treating each other with kindness, we forgave at the beginning of every fight because we believed that if we forgave before, we could be honest and calm and not feel judged or scared. We forgave each other because we knew nothing could be worse than losing this passion and love to the worlds trials. We fought, we cried, we yelled, but we did it together and we did it shameless and honest, we loved hard and fast we slept in fields under the stars holding each other and promising forever, making plans for the future, talking about children, and moving to west Virginia to live off the land and live a simple life, just him and I against the world, because when you find that real love, that one true soulmate, the person made just for you, you don’t need anything else but to know that no matter what trial may come you’ll face it head on together with no doubts and no matter how bad the fight every night we would send a text “P.s. I Love You” to remind each other that we forgive always and tomorrow was a new day and we would be ok.

As time went by and we got engaged our love grew and grew. He was it for me, my one the other part to complete my soul, he made me powerful, he made me glow with light, and he made me the best me I could be. Words will never be enough to describe the love we carried but you could see it in our eyes, And so could everyone else we were “Paige and Josh” and we didn’t hide it we shouted it from the skies.

After 4 1/2 years one morning after josh and I had gotten into a fight and decided to take a beat to cool down, I got a call from his brother telling me that Josh was in the hospital on life support.

I don’t know if it was shock or if I thought it was a joke but I just didn’t believe it, until my mom called me and told me that Josh was one of her patients and that he wasn’t going to make it.

I dropped the phone and my world stopped, everything turned blurry my body going cold and numb, my heart sinking and hands shaking I collapsed on the floor screaming like I was dying inside, sobbing, and begging the universe not to take him, to take me too that we are one, that I can’t live my life as half a person. I gathered every ounce of love I had for josh inside me and got in my car going 100 on the highway to the hospital, when my phone rang, Joshes dad was on the other end sobbing saying I’m so sorry Paige but the doctors confirmed Joshua was brain dead and removed him from life support. And just like that he was taken from me, he was gone, I froze and said no, no he’s not, I’m coming, he needs me, I’m still here he promised he’d never leave me he’s not gone.

His father said “Paige I’m so sorry he’s gone but he loved you and he passed knowing you loved him too”.

I couldn’t understand how his father could comfort me and say sorry for your loss to me, when he had just lost his child. But a love like that, that consumes the body and soul, the love Josh and I had was a love greater than any love there is and he knew I had just lost my life too. At the time I was 5 moths pregnant, only Josh and I knew, we found out it was a boy, and the day Josh left me so did the only piece of him I had left. I lost our baby that night. I was dying of a broken heart, begging god to just end my pain, to take me too so I could be with my soulmate and our baby living in the house we built in the clouds, praying id wake up and it was all just a dream.

Its been 9 years now. And I love him still more and more every day. I pray every night for him to come to me in my dreams just to see his face one more time, to tell him I love him still, to ask him for forgiveness, for closure because I never got to say goodbye, to scream at him because he promised he’d never leave me, because he promised id never have to live without him.

So what’s love really?

Love is an experience that happens when you meet the other part of your soul, its falling madly head over heals for a stranger with no questions asked, its jumping in without hesitation, its passion, forgiveness, honesty, trust, its understanding and acceptance, its faith, its walking blindly into the hurricane because you know your not alone, love isn’t just a word it isn’t a choice or a decision, its instant and it overtakes your mind body and soul without permission.

Love is perfectly imperfect, messy, and painful, but I truly believe it is the only true balance we experience in life. Love is creation and devastation and its the one thing in the world that everyone craves and will do anything to find it, and the one thing in life that can’t be found, bought or taken, it finds us and once it does its the one thing we can’t lose. its forvever.

Even in loss or death the love that took over you, lives on, reminding you every day that life is a gift, and love is the reward and the true motivation to live that life, giving as much love as you can. Josh was the only person ive ever met that truly knew the secret meaning to life, the balance to Love. He was my reward and I his. And that’s why he gave that love to every person he met and now that he’s gone that’s what everyone remembers, that Josh was the guy that said hi and smiled to every stranger, gave kindness to everyone even if he didn’t like/know the person, going broke and struggling because he gave his last dollar to a stranger in need, he believed everyone deserved to feel a bit of love in this world of lost souls, still searching for their forever, their soulmate, their love at first sight. And

to this day I still text his phone P.S. I love you hoping he’s looking down on me and knows I’m waiting for him too.

And I know in my heart our story isn’t over its just growing until we meet again.

Rest easy Joshua I hear your laugh every day and feel you around me in everything I do.

P.S. I love you, always have, always will.