Overachiever

You taught me that love,

Was only given if I earned it.

That overachieving,

Was the only way to receive it.

And yet you are off somewhere else,

Leaving me broken.

Leaving me to pick up the pieces,

And wonder why you are gone.

Staying up past midnight,

Crying and begging myself to let go.

However, you continue to be my main focus.

Maybe if I tried harder, you would come back.

Maybe if I threw myself into another project,

As if schooling isn’t enough,

As if raising five kids isn’t enough,

As if homeschooling them wasn’t enough.

I continue to add the nonsense,

Hoping one day you’ll see,

I was worth your love,

And that every day I’d grow more worthy.

So tell them I was the problem,

Gaslight me one more time.

But please just tell me one time,

That you’re proud of me.

That none of this matters,

And you love me no matter what.

I beg of you,

Set me free from this prison.

Tell me everything is my fault,

That the flashbacks of your tormenting me,

Was my burden to bear.

That I am the terrible mother.

But instead you forget I exist,

You live every day like I am dead.

Reminded me why I wanted to let go,

Because you made me this way.

So every day I will take on a little more,

Push a little harder.

Because that’s the broken me,

The me that so desperately needed your love.

The me that you cast out,

Like I was just something you could get rid of.

The after birth abortion,

That you weren’t afraid to have if it were an option.

You let me down,

And yet I blame me.

“Try harder!” I yell.

However, you don’t hear it.

You don’t hear the internal battle,

That you created at such a young age.

After all you love the story.

The one where I was five,

And choking to death because life was easier,

If I hadn’t been born.

Then you wouldn’t ignore me,

Because I wouldn’t be there.

I wouldn’t strive to be perfect,

To do everything outside of my abilities,

Just to try and make you happy,

Showing you that you’re the center of my attention.

Signed,

The Overachiever