Orange

Orange is my favorite color

And no other color fills me with greater zest and joy

Intensity and Confidence

Power and Independence

All shades born of reddish hues embody these qualities

But none quite like the shade of orange

A certain romance comes with pinks and reds that orange isn’t granted

And for the longest time I could not imagine wearing it

It was too much, too strong a statement

It demands attention and requires grit

And I didn’t have that… but

It made my skin glow

And it made me feel a warmth unmatched by others,

It was rich like red but with an aerial touch

As sweet as pink but with more vigor

Yet, as radiant as it made me, it made me equally recoil

“I can’t go out wearing this” I’d say, then reach for a pale pink top

Pink is pretty

It’s safe

Pink won’t make others pause and question me

And it pairs so well with blue and purple,

colder colors I can hide behind

A color combination that offers a label I can pretend to play along with

Being bisexual allowed me to like girls but on a technicality still meant I liked boys

But do I actually like girls? What if it’s for attention?

Always quick to downplay or completely ignore those who questioned if I liked other girls

Was I lying?

“No, No, No, this ridiculous, it’s fine, just because I like guys doesn’t mean I don’t like girls, I’m just scared to say I also like them

That’s just biphobia, right?

I ‘just know’ I like men just like I’ve always known I like women

No further questioning needed”

The question lingered

And felt unanswered

The colors I wore remained unchanged

Still, each time the question crept upon me it weighed a little more

Eventually it wore me out

There was no comfort in shades of blue, purple and pink

There was no pride that I could feel

There was just shame in the uncertainty

“It’s just biphobia” was Wrong.

The question was Wrong.

All of my feelings felt Wrong.

Holding onto this is Wrong.

There is no “someday I’ll get over this”

Only a searing reality that I cannot consciously understand the only person in the world That I Should Know Anything About.

Why Can’t I Just Admit that I Liked Women?

Why Is Bisexual A Word I Can’t Claim?

What Was So Wrong With It?

Why Can’t I Just Admit that I Liked Women?

Why Can’t These Questions Go Away?

What about hearing her casually say I like women was So. Painstakingly. Aggravating.

She has said it before, tenfold

But with each utterance she spoke, furies of envious resentment would crash through my ears and into the bloodstream

My hazel eyes shifting greener and welling up

Why Can’t I Just Admit that I Liked Women?

The way she could?

Then I did.

At first in jest,

In an empty home in an empty room with nothing but pillows and an orange sweater

I said it as a joke,

And I laughed

It was humorous, the way relief brimmed over my face

Why did tears saturate such serenity?

But tales of dark waters warn against such tranquility

“But I still like men, right?”

“Right?”

No one answered.

No conflict between psyche and consciousness existed the way there was before

No argument ensued

No longer I strained my eyes to see through the opaque fog engulfing the mind with muted shades of blues and greys

It had lifted and left only a blinding brilliance of clarity

Yet, as radiant as the truth made me, it made me equally recoil

I can’t be a lesbian, I can’t come out like this – So, in panic I reached for the label of pansexual

It feels better than Bi?

It’s safer

Pansexual can mean I still guys

And if I still like guys that means people won’t leave me?

Being pansexual allowed me to like girls but on a technicality still meant I liked boys

It’s softer than the word lesbian,

That word demands attention and requires grit

That’s too strong a statement, that’s too much

And for the longest time I couldn’t imagine saying it

A certain romance comes with being straight, that being gay isn’t granted

But there’s nothing quite like a romance between two women

Unscripted and unapologetic

Intense and unmatched

Orange is my favorite color

But nothing fills me with greater pride and confidence than being to say I am a Lesbian