once upon a time in a hospital

once upon a time i was in a hospital

the part of the hospital where everyone wears the same clothes

the part of the hospital where nurses give you a cup of pills at the beginning of each day

then check underneath your tongue to make sure you actually did swallow them

even though you really didn’t want to because they make you feel weird

the part of the hospital where no strings ropes or belts are allowed

they made me cut the bookmark ribbon off of my poetry notebook ifn order to bring it in

once upon a time i was in a hospital

and i sat alone on a bed

staring at a brick wall

a random dude i had never met

sat in the bed next to mine

they don’t allow single rooms

and as i sat

my mind wandered

and as my my mind wandered

my heart raced

and as my heart raced

sweat poured down my face

stinging my eyes

and salting my skin

and i was afraid

i was afraid of what my life had become

and what my life would be like post; hospital stay

i was afraid of the random cocktail of chemically infused capsules being forced down my throat

and what they would do to my body

i was afraid of what others on the outside knew about me

i feared they had heard of my mental break-down

my bipolar diagnosis

my therapy treatments

my suicide attempt

and i was afraid of what they thought of it all

and what they thought of me

i was afraid i would never live a normal life again

forced to the confines of my parents basement apartment

a jail cell of stagnation

a shallow grave of remembrance

a brightly colored mural of my insecurities

and disappointments

i was afraid i would never finish college

and i would be stuck working a dead end call center job for the rest of my life

and even though the call center i was currently working at the time was a pretty nice call center

i still wanted nothing of it

i wanted to work in marketing

not telemarketing

i was afraid no one would ever love me again

because who would love an obsessive compulsive bipolar freak

the kind of freak who can’t even take one step into the east side of provo without

breaking into a full-fledged anxiety attack

all because the fear of running into someone from my past was all too real

and all too overwhelming

i was afraid

i was afraid

once upon a time yesterday

i stood at the sink doing the dishes

in a basement apartment that is not owned by my parents

when i heard the beautiful voice

of my gorgeous wife

as she got home from school

she’s a teacher

and no

i’m no longer afraid