On the Borderline
My years without an identity.
As a single woman at 60, I have never felt happy, whole, satisfied or truly loved. Who have I become? Who am I?
Nothing special; no colossal career.
My big dreams and aspirations have slowly faded away, along with my mind. They say you are never too old to finally find yourself. My thoughts constantly take me back to my regrettable past.
I once was a grand equestrian rider. That was who I was at my young age. My horse and I jumped over the highest fences. Riding in the olympics was my goal but nothing happened.
I became an infatuated teenager in love; breaking curfew and sneaking out at night. He was my everything: my future, my identity. My dream shattered.
Looking for myself and looking for excitement, I found another man. But that man couldn't take who I was, so he asked for a divorce.
The doctor defined me as bipolar: promiscuous, impulsive, with mood swings. Now I have many bottles on my table. I have many pretty pills.
Who am I now?
The therapist defined me as borderline personality disorder. I am depression, bad relationships, severe mood swings and no identity. Suicide attempts. Borderline made me do it.
Promiscuity became the way to ease the pain. Please love me! Please give me attention!! Who the hell am I and what kind of person lives like this?
I wander aimlessly to find happiness. I see a piece of a forgotten dream in the foggy distance. It feels unattainable and far out of sight.
This is my last chance to make something happen.
My conflict with inner demons and my vacant identity is ongoing. Who am I? What is my purpose? Where do I belong? When will this be over? Why am I so empty?
I am so tired.
By: Kathleen Como
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About the Creator
Kathleen McClenahan Como
I am an artist that paints ceramics and makes crafts.
I enjoy travel writing and poetry that comes from the heart.
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Comments (1)
It might help to search for awe and contentment in the ordinary. Perhaps begin with a gratitude journal. It's as though our life must be set up to tick certain boxes, but being present, feeling wholesome through self love can be enough if we let it. I hope you find ways to value yourself and experience joy in what you do.