Nucleosynthesis...

Nucleosynthesis and other things that happen when you're fast asleep

My greatest fear is losing.

If I could share every bit I would. Let you explore the deep void that is my heart and my soul and my being. You are so far away, your distance is measured in lengths of astronomical units.

I often feel like a supernova remnant. Type two. I burned brighter than a galaxy when the universe told me "you are alone now."

And I was. And I am.

Conflict is nothing but pain. A pain that sinks within me so deeply. It makes its home there, in my core. How does one become complete with such gaping holes? Every word uttered and every character on the screen takes you further away from me. But what is there? You did this to yourself because you know you are incapable. Did you have flashes of what your life could be? What you have always hoped? Did the idea of your life changing scare you or was it the idea that you secretly hoped it would?

Always searching for meaning. Always waiting and hoping and desperately wishing the universe would tell you,

"You are not alone"

and you never were. And you never are.

So how do you love? When every word is another wound and every memory passes you by. If you think you understand time you haven't contemplated it enough yet. What is it to be off guard? What is it to let beautiful things happen?

It has been a long time since I allowed my heart to endure the disappointment.

There is always the moat, the drawbridge, the dragons at the gate.

Why do I always find you in every hiding place I swear that I forgot?

The universe may end in an inevitable heat death. Subatomic particles will cease to interact. And grow farther and farther apart. Until nothing has shape. Nothing has form.

What will matter then?

Your loss? Your fears?

(I often suffer in my mind the inevitable heat death of rationality)

My body will long be gone.

Here's hoping those photons never stop bouncing off of your skin when I wake up in the morning and I am not alone.

We are all dying like the stars.