NOTICE OF CONTINUED SURVIVAL AT A PREMIUM

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES, DEPENDENTS,

AND OTHER BILLABLE ORGANISMS:

Effective immediately, the cost of health insurance

will continue its proud tradition of rising

like a motivational poster you cannot afford.

This increase is necessary.

Necessary for reasons explained in a brochure

printed on expensive paper,

featuring smiling people who have never met you.

Please note: your coverage remains unchanged,

except where it has been revised, narrowed,

redefined, or renamed something inspirational

that no longer applies.

Preventive care is encouraged,

provided nothing is discovered.

In the event of discovery,

please schedule courage.

Deductibles have been updated

to reflect our confidence in you.

Copays have been recalibrated

to remind you who is in charge.

Out-of-pocket maximums now exist

as a thought experiment.

If you experience confusion,

consult the FAQ, which answers a different question.

If symptoms persist,

consider not being sick.

This announcement recognizes your commitment

to staying alive responsibly,

preferably on weekdays,

during business hours,

and without involving specialists.

We understand this adjustment may cause concern.

Concern builds character.

Character is not covered,

but we admire it from afar.

Thank you for your understanding.

Your health is our priority,

ranked just below shareholder satisfaction

and slightly above admitting the system is strange.

This notice will renew annually.