Note to self

I’d like to stop but I’m running late.

I think I see some shelving and maybe some dishes?

No time though

Gotta get to work

Don’t wanna keep the other guys waiting

No time for a dive,

O beautiful, lovely dumpster, you will have to wait.

Note to self: stop and take a peek when work is done

Maybe something there I can rescue from the landfill, something I can use or sell

Or give away

Aaaaaaand— pulled in

I hope the morning crew isn’t mad that I’m late

Sorry guys

My boss is so chill

Only one waiting, the rest have already gone home

Peace out man

I hope he has a great day

Off to the rounds

***

Gotta unlock the lodge

There’s a wedding here today

I met the bride and groom last night

They rented the space for their rehearsal

They seem cool

I answered all their questions about the park

They didn’t have any questions but I answered them anyway

I think I talk too much

***

The lake is pretty after the rain

The bay

The air smells clean

They’re not here yet, the bride and groom

Gonna sit and wait

Here I am “just sittin’ on the dock of the bay”

I don’t remember the rest of the lyrics

Something something, wasting time?

Well I have to open the doors for the renters this is my job

So I’m not really wasting time

I’m getting paid to wait on the dock of the bay

There’s a heron.

He’s wasting time too

He’s huge

He’s cool

He’s a fucking pterodactyl, just about

They’re not here yet, they were supposed to be here at 10

Hope they’re okay

Guess I’ll call just in case

Not much I can do other than ask

And if they’re on their way, just running late,

Then I’ll sit and wait

Suns coming out, but I still have goosebumps

It’s chilly!

I love it

Always better to be too cold than too hot

I hate feeling sticky and this has been a long summer

I should call

***

They’re totally fine

They’re just not gonna be here until 1:30

No problem

Why did I think they needed the doors opened at ten?

Is that what the guy said last night?

Definitely

Oh well,

If I misheard, oh well

If he misspoke, oh well

If he changed his schedule a little bit on his big wedding day, oh well

Glad they’re okay

But damn, I wasted so much time

but didn’t it feel good though?

Wish I’d waited a little longer before calling

Peace to the heron, and to me

Peace to the water and sky

peace to the chilly breeze and peace to sunlight lazing through the lingering vapors of last nights storm

Waiting was easy work, it was too nice

Gotta get back in motion

Back to the main park, to check in the renters and parties who’s doors are already unlocked

***

This is a narrow road

And there’s a woman walking her dog

She looks pissed, angry, livid to be sharing the space with the county truck

Well this narrow road is “authorized vehicles only”

And I am an authorized vehicle

I’ll wave to her and say hello

She says hello back.

She doesn’t sound pissed

Maybe she’s not pissed? Maybe she just looks it

Maybe she just has r.b.f.

She’s making the exact same expression as her bulldog

Peace to her

And peace to her dog, the good girl with

resting bitch face

Ha, that’s a stupid pun

But I like it

My phone is dying

Gotta fetch a charger before I run out of battery

I wanna stream my consciousness all day, how can I do that without a glowing screen

Gotta recharge

I’m also hungry

Better eat something otherwise the plaster smile will crack.

Don’t want park people to notice my r.b. f.

Don’t want them to think they’re doing something wrong

Don’t want them to be nervous that the park guy is coming up to talk at them with a scowl

It’s not you it’s me

I’m just hungry and this is my face

***

The guy I just drove past looked exactly like that guy who worked at homedepot when I was a kid

Hair, long

beard, sparse

Skin, weathered and sunned

Why do I remember that guy?

It’s because he reminded me of my dad

He didn’t look like dad, he just….

Maybe a similar mannerism?

A similar chuckle.

Or smile?

There were lots of men like that when I was a kid, strangers who seemed kind who accidentally reminded me I didn’t have a dad

Well, I did have a dad,

I remember the smell of his deodorant and the feel of his beard on my face back when he used to lift me up

but where the fuck did he go?

Far enough away that kid me wondered if random strangers would have done a better job

But haven’t I already forgiven him?

Why the fuck am I still thinking about this in my thirties?

Am I really gonna waste time feeling abandoned and fatherless for the rest of my life?

I’m an adult.

I am a fucking dad

And shit! There it is.

What I’ve been trying not to think about all along:

The kids are with their mother today.

I dropped them off with her last night.

Insomnia. I don’t sleep well when they’re away

The kids are with their mother today

I say that’s a good thing because I want them to have her in their lives

but

I see her abandoning them the same way my father abandoned me and I don’t trust her to not hurt them

And

She’s taking them to her boyfriend’s parents’ house

She cancels on them more than she see’s them, and now she’s taking them to play with a stranger

“It’s a farm”, she said

She told me one of their dogs killed one of their puppies, just a few weeks ago

It must have been jealous that the fur baby was getting all the attention, it bit the little thing by the neck and shook it to death

She told me there was lots of gore, and the family was traumatized

“The kids will have fun over here” she said

I don’t like that because I don’t know that

I don’t know her boyfriend. Other than to say: I know his dog killed a puppy and did it in front of everybody.

They put the dog down I think.

But I’m not comforted

I don’t know if she’ll protect them from

Him and what he might be

Maybe he’s a good guy, maybe he’s a saint

But what if

he’s not

What if he’s the kind of human who preys on…

My kids

What if he’s like his dog?

I don’t trust their mother to protect them

From her neglect or from his unknowns

I don’t trust her to mistrust him

Aren’t we supposed to be trusting?

I don’t know what we’re supposed to be

But I don’t trust strangers with my children’s happiness and safety

I don’t trust strangers with my kids

I don’t trust my ex with their fragile little hearts

And she’s proven herself a stranger too, after all these years

I don’t want my kids to grow into their thirties

And see a woman

Who reminds them of their mom just because she has the same smile or the same braids

***

I gotta get my mind off this. There’s nothing I can do.

Other than hope.

Other than worry.

I’m powerless.

They’re with me 25/ 8

But this is the 9th day

They’re mom finally showed up, and I say that’s a good thing

She’s spending time with them

And I say that’s a good thing

But they are beyond my care and beyond my protection

I hate this feeling

when they come back home, I’ll ask them: are you okay?

Did anything bad happen?

I don’t know what I’ll do if they say the worst

Agony

I need to eat something

***

There are geese all over the place

I have to slow down for them

And a couple walking a stroller

Actually, they’re walking a baby

They don’t care about the stroller

I have to slow down for them too

Families of geese and families of people

It’s cold here

Not as cold as it was by the bay, but it still feels good, the full wind through the window of the truck

A fresh chill for my aging skin

A fresh breath for my ragged mind

Things are changing

the leaves are about to get very pretty

It almost smells like autumn!

The whole forest will turn gold and orange, a living breathing mood ring

And I’ll be happier

— that’s not to say I’m not happy now

I’m happy with myself and who I am and where I am

But nothing beats autumn and changing leaves

***

This waffle was a mistake

The only food I had in my car, other than pine nuts and granola bars

It tastes okay, but how can an individually packaged shelf stable waffle actually taste good enough to break diet?

I’m trying to be good about food

Fewer carbs

I’d like to lose weight, but more: I wanna trim the mental fog

And starchy foods stick in my gut and distract me

My neurons get sluggish when they’re fed too much sugar

And here I am eating an okay waffle

This waffle wasn’t worth it

It would have been better to stay hungry

***

Hello to the renter at the lodge by the creek

She knows my aunt, apparently

they went to school together

when they were little girls

Small world

Her cousin is a friend of my brother’s

Small world

She’s wearing a dark side of the moon t shirt

Hello to the guy playing guitar across the field

His guitar is strung across his shoulder

I see the dark side of the moon print in his guitar sling

Small world

I see a red tailed hawk, I hope she doesn’t catch bird flu or west nile…

If she does, then I’ll probably see her again

Charlie the bird rehabber might try to help her. She’s the only one who had room for that osprey I found yesterday,

The one I caught in a towel and packaged up in a box

I hope that osprey pulls through

He was far too pretty to die

But lots of birds are getting the flu

Lots of birds are dying

The rehabbers are running out of room

And dead birds put me in a bad mood

***

Hello to the dumb motherfucker who parked on the wet grass

That wasn’t very charitable, but anyone who parks in a puddle of mud is probably not to bright

Or atleast not too wise

Maybe it comes down to inexperience

I have to let him know if he damages the lawn he’ll be hit with a fine

I have to let him know to move his car gently

I have to let him know gently, because I don’t want to ruin his day

I have to let him know to move it gently because I don’t want him to ruin the lawn

He mumbles under his breath and refuses to move the car

Oh well

I could get him towed and slapped with penalties,

he’s technically in the wrong for parking out of bounds

But hasn’t he suffered enough? Poor guy is a dumb motherfucker after all, a fine on top of a mental deficit would probably be unfair

I hope he doesn’t get stuck

For his sake

But also for mine

Watching dumb motherfuckers panic when their cars get sucked down into the muck land really isn’t any vindication

It’s kinda tragic to see the flowering of regret on their faces

I just feel bad for them and their waffles

but not as bad as I feel for sick birds

***

That’s a first

Someone doing tattoos in the park, a bus-loaded ink shop just making the rounds

He’s outlining a dragon ball z character on a woman’s pale arm

He offers to put some art on my skin

I want one

I want “let us begin again because up until now we have done nothing”

It’s a quote I care about and I want it scarred on my sleeve

I want a family tree with my kids, our, ancestors and me

But I say no, today doesn’t work

I’m on the clock, and can’t waste anytime

***

I drive back to the bay to wait by the water

Seems a damned shame and a damned waste to drive back and forth like this.

Those poor frittered fuels

Where are did all these other drivers come from?

Where are they going?

And why do they seem so lonely?

I think of that song, where Paul McCartney tried to shame all the lonely people, for picking up rice or darning their socks without an audience

And I think: what the hell does that mean, darning one’s socks? It’s not donning. Is it like, damning them?

Like,

“Goddam you, socks! Goddamn you straight to hell!”

And I think

Maybe they weren’t lonely.

Maybe they were just fixing their socks

The people in that song

The other drivers on the road

Maybe they were just alone

And that’s not so bad

Paul McCartney was probably projecting

What a loser

***

The renters don’t want the air on

They said it’s chilly out

I know that, and it makes me glad

I linger in the parking lot, to make sure they have a chance to ask questions

The groom is talking but my mind wanders

It’s not the waffle starch sticking to my neurons and griming up my brain

It’s something else:

There was a bridesmaid at the rehearsal last night

She’s not here yet

She had natural hair

She had a vibe

Like an ice cold bottle sweating on a humid day

I did not flirt with her

Because I’m repping the county

It would be weird

I mean

— inappropriate—

for me to inform her that she looks like a drink

But, every date I’ve been on this year has been with someone I’ve met at the park…

while on the clock

So it’s not really the awkward work dynamic that held me back

I didn’t flirt with her

Because I wasn’t feeling like a catch

But that was last night and this is now

I’m one day older and one night wiser

And she’s not here

She’s busy being an absolute fox somewhere else

And if I linger in the parking lot any longer that would be weird

waiting for her, so I can sheepishly smile and wave…

… that would be weird

I hope the bride and groom have a beautiful day and a wonderful wedding

and a better marriage than I did

Peace to them and their guests

And peace to the smoke show I wish I could know

***

I drive to the other side of the bay

There’s an abandoned building on the way

It was an old folks home, but now it’s a tomb

They shut it down

Too many covid deaths

Highest rate in the state

They have dumpsters out front.

They look fat and promising

I hesitate t0 add them to my hit list

I’m not superstitious

but I feel a little weird

About diving a haunted dumpster

***

I see an obese woman jogging

Her face is twisted up in effort, maybe even anguish

Her body is kinda grotesque

That’s a rude thought and

I feel bad until I realize

She’s a hero

Her face is flush from the effort, and there’s the feat

She’s putting in work, for her own health

For her own well-being

Straining when you’re that out of shape can’t feel good

It literally hurts

She’s not conditioned for this

But she’s powering through

Panting and sweating like a fucking real life avenger

I should be more like her

I’m always a little self conscious of the jiggle and heave whenever I push the pedals on my mountain bike

But here this woman is fighting for her health

For her wellness

Like a hero

***

There’s lots of litter in this lot.

And dragon flies

I hear the crickets singing

Somebody is smoking a cigar, far enough away for the smell to be faint

It doesn’t have the chemical tar smell of a cigarette

It smells cleaner, even though I suppose it’s actually not

I don’t mind it

Beauty all around

I pick up the trash

I need to put it in the bin and bag it up and remove it

But I should look in the can before I tie it off

I found a five dollar bill in there once,

Used it to buy an off brand doctor pepper and some fruit

All it took was to look

I look every time

Usually all I see is dogshit and used condoms and empty weed baggies

But, hey

Five dollars is five dollars

I could use that to buy some food

Something more wholesome than a waffle

I’m hungry again

Thirsty too

I think about the smoke show, wonder what she’d think if she knew I was looking in the garbage for money

I realize I don’t care what she’d think

Everything in the garbage belongs there this time, but the dumpsters later tonight might prove lucky

***