Not my Mother

Sitting here,

Replaying our last conversation. Wonder if I should have said something

else. I always told my younger self that I never want to end up like you.

To never be like you.

Yet

We are copies.

I sit in front of the tv the way you do.

Bowl of fries with a beer.

Sitting on the edge of the couch, basically the same posture.

Just like you.

I stayed home like as if I am afraid of the outside.

Just like you.

I second guessed everyone's intentions.

Just like you.

We get into the car, reshuffle into the seat the exact same way.

I'm closed off with men and love, as you are. We share very similar childhood trauma. Cope the same ways.

Doesn't matter that we look alive. Being your daughter has been a burden I never asked to be.

Just like you.

Nor did you, with your Mother.

I witness your shitty taste in men, so I know the red flags to look for yet I am also looking, instead of trying with an open heart.

I refused to end up like you. Yet, I can't help think about how I already act like you.

I force myself to do things opposite of you, Just to say I am not like you.

I don't like feeling of that.

Part of this healing. I acknowledge your pain and trauma. I also acknowledge that I deserve a Mother. I am not your therapist. I have one myself.

Just like you.

I'm against my Mother's ways of living.

I refused to be hated by my kids, if I ever have any.

I refused to continue this family's cycle.

I am setting the boundaries that you should set.

I am drinking water instead of alcohol.

I have two amazing dogs. You can't stand the care it requires for these two pups.

I am spending time out in nature, learning to love myself.

I started working out before work.

Bicycling hiking trails.

I am getting out of my comfort zones. You should try it.

I am proud of the woman I am becoming. Someday, I hope you are too.

It's not that you were a terrible Mother, you didn't exactly had a great example of a good one. You did the best you could.

Even if you did cause me harm mentally and emotionally, I know yours did the same. I cannot truly blame your actions.

But you still need to learn that that's not okay. I deserve better.

Refusing to be you,

Actually, doing the work.

Those boundaries you hate so much.

Those empty conversations we have.

The guilt trip into cleaning the home I was felt safe in.

Actually doing the work.

Is kind of you doing the same with your Mother. I hope so.

I see you and I see myself.

I will do better for myself, hopefully you'll see my leaving this family behind, will show you to be better for yourself.

Because Mom, I am actually do better. By not being you. So Thank you, even if it hurts.