Not Butterflies

I have butterflies in my stomach

Only they aren't in my stomach they're in my chest

They don't flutter nor do they bring any emotion I associate with butterflies

Instead of bright colors of joy or excitement there seems to be only a gray noise and decay

I don't think they are butterflies

...

I don't like them

...

I have flies in my chest, they don't flutter they buzz

They seem to pop up to fly around any feelings of excitement to a point where I don't remember what excitement was

Every time I try to step out of my comfort zone the flies come buzzing back into my chest

Their buzz takes up my lungs, my throat, my breath

They don't stay there though

No they don't stay in my chest all the time, they like to fly to my head

When there they buzz until I can't hear my own thoughts over their incessant gray noise

They go to my head when I have to work something difficult out

Whether it's a decision of what to do or a intellectual one if I don't know what to do immediately the flies come

They like it when I can't choose, why else would they come every time?

I have flies in me

They make everything difficult

I wish their buzzing would stop