My Thoughts Today

Three, two, one. Click.

Staring at the clock before the alarm goes off instead of snoozing it five times already makes this day so abnormal.

I’m not present here today.

Birds are probably chirping and the sun is probably shining, not that I'm paying any attention.

Good thing I don’t wear white often because I feel like burning this dress after we are done.

I’ll never be able to look at it the same or wear it again.

I definitely won’t wash it.

The smoke and ashes being cleaned off of it doesn’t seem right.

Maybe I should just burn it tonight.

Probably better I'm not allowed to wear makeup because the mascara would smear.

And I usually make sure no one can hear.

It could be worse.

I could’ve been born during the times where they would’ve expected me to lay next to his body and endure the same fate .

Burning into countless smithereens.

As if me surviving was a curse or sin instead of a blessing or miracle.

Jokes on them because I don’t even believe in half of them things.

Life has always gotten better though.

Anything taken away was replaced with more than enough, I know.

But can this be the same? I can’t believe that because he was the best one I knew.

Human I guess. Or I mean the soul that was in that body.

It was basically godly.

So now I know nothing and it feels like there’s no point to a single thing.

So, I'm not gonna be here today.

Because if I have to be here for even a single second of it, I'll probably just jump on, join him and say I quit.

And I'm not allowed to quit.

So, it's better that I go somewhere else today.

Anywhere. Any place other than here.

It’s either that or I stand here pretending to be demure.

While watching the flames burn my other half away.

What kind of game is this anyway?

Because now, there are less players and more incurable pain.

I mean, you seriously just took away a main.

So now anything that happens is just gonna feel plain.

Even if I get on a plane or dance in the rain.

Nothing will ever feel that way again.

The way he made me feel.

So secure and supported.

Nothing felt more real.

What will I come back to?

And the worst part is, no one ever warns you.

That one day will be the last.

Last time I get to see you, touch you, be with you.

Yea, I know, it's a part of life, that’s true.

I should just live in the moment,

But I can't bring myself to.

Because to imagine a world without you in it,

Is worse than torture, if you can believe it.

So how am I gonna get through it?

I have to since I'm still here.

Though, I can’t understand it, it doesn't seem real.

But, I’ll just anchor onto his last words,

until my soul feels balanced in this vessel again.

After all, they are what got me here today,

Because no matter how many of them look at me a type of way,

They don’t know what he said that day.

“My love, don’t you fear. I'll be back!”

So, I know I'll be okay.