My Affection Needs Perfection

My affection needs perfection.

I don’t know how to touch.

And I don’t want to be touched.

I still live with my walls up.

Nobody has ever touched me in a way,

That eventually made me feel okay.

You came along, and you could touch me all day.

And that’s where you got me fucked up.

That’s where I turn and run away.

Touch has never been good to me.

Touch has always resulted in fear.

Touch is how we show our love.

Therefore, I guess I’m out?

That’s not fair, because I never knew.

That my fear of touch would affect you too.

Somedays are better and I can touch your skin.

Other days it’s weird and I shouldn’t begin.

Touch feels so good, yet so foreign in a way.

Why does someone’s touch make me turn astray?

I pray that it goes away someday.

Affection is something that I lack.

I have come to realize that.

Even just a simple touch can sometimes be too much.

Of course I feel I’m missing out, without a doubt.

I just don’t know how to change my mind.

How to tell myself, some touches are fine.

→ I struggle with affection←

It’s something I’ve come to notice in the last year or so. There are days where I want to be touched all over. There are more days I don’t want to be touched at all. There are days where I am too touchy, but more days where I’m not. I guess that’s just a part of me. But I’m really trying to learn. I think I’ve always been someone who stays guarded with everyone. And to touch and feel means there’s a wall down somewhere. But I don’t need walls up for my husband or my kids. How do I shake my mind of this messiness? Someday, maybe I will learn, but at least I am aware. And I’ll just have to take that, and go from there.

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