Must We Lose Ourselves to Find Love?

People who crave happiness solely aren't really suited for relationships.

It’s true.

You might think love is sweet, ritualistic, and filled with companionship, but love isn't a reward; it’s a relationship, and no relationship is solely about happiness.

Love isn't like eating dessert, nor does watching a movie guarantee a happy ending. It’s about interaction, compromise, clashes, a tug-of-war that both parties must work to maintain. Investing your emotions doesn't guarantee a result, and showing tenderness doesn't guarantee being cherished.

I can live perfectly well alone. I cook, watch TV, practice yoga, travel, meet up with friends for drinks, and spend weekends taking photos and exploring the streets. My life has rhythm, direction, and purpose.

But when I fall for someone, all that rhythm is instantly disrupted. If he doesn't reply to a message, I panic; if he says he's busy, I'm afraid to bother him; if he says, "Let's go somewhere together," I immediately start checking flight tickets.

I'm too quick to take promises seriously. He said, "I'll give you an answer after I've dealt with this," and I foolishly waited, until that "this period" turned into "no more contact."

After liking someone, I start to doubt myself, I feel unworthy of anything, I start trying to please, start suppressing my emotions, start fearing loss. I unconsciously try to fit myself into a mold of, "Would he like me more this way?" Slowly, I stop being myself.

I'm the kind of person who can thrive on solitude. But the moment someone gets close, my walls crumble instantly. Once he leaves, it’s like falling into a black hole, like the saying goes: "I was living well in despair, and you pulled me out, then threw me back in."

Sometimes it's not that I don't want to be in a relationship; it's that I know too well that once I fall in love, I lose my rationality. It would plunge me into an abyss, and even if I’m left with only one breath, I’d still grit my teeth and say, "It's okay, I can do it."

Actually, I’m not that strong.

I also wish there was someone I could confide in, someone I could lean on, someone I could feel vulnerable with. But if all of this has to be earned through a relationship, and then taken away again, I’d rather not have it.

I’d rather continue learning to process my emotions and loneliness on my own. I'll just hide my weaknesses.

If you want to be happy, don't be in a relationship; if you want to be in a relationship, you have to be prepared to endure unhappiness.

It’s exhausting, but this is the choice I’ve made since growing up. No more willfulness, no more naivety, no more begging for anyone to understand me or support me.

I’ll do it all myself.

Thank you for reading!