Muddled...

You know I feel myself becoming upset with you...frustrated by you...confused by you. Sometimes, I think that I have justification and sometimes it's just displaced, as the person that I should be upset with, frustrated and confused by is myself.

You see I do it to me. I do it to me every time and I really don't know why that is. But I continually choose those who are absolutely unavailable or unattainable to me. I start these things and people are intrigued by me, curious about me, and drawn in by me.

They tell me the things that I want and long to hear. They tell me that I am one thing flattering or another. They tell me that we will meet or even be together. They fill my head with empty words and ridiculous promises that I know will never be kept, but I hold on to them.

You told me that we could meet and that we could continue to grow this, even be physical if we so chose. You told me that you wanted to meet me to see if we clicked. And, I believed you. I have offered repeatedly to come and meet you, even though I have work to do.

But, I think the reality of the situation is that you don't really want that and you don't want me. I understand whole-heartedly. Realistically, physically what's to want from a fifty-year-old person who has lost over one hundred pounds...absolutely nothing.

Over the course of this thing, I've asked you if you like me like I like you and I've always prepared myself for the answer that I so dreaded but expected. But, it never came. Your answers have always been the exact opposite of anything that I've ever expected, you're an anomaly.

And, I have chosen you to be my anomaly. Not to keep captured or caged, but to appreciate, respect, value. I am your diamond fish that you plucked from the sea and put into your aquarium. I am doing my damnedest to fucking shine, but there's a lot of algae.

You have given me great gifts of yourself and your time. You have shared so much with me, both good and bad, secrets and dreams. There have been times when you've been quiet and guarded. There have been times when you've been giddy and cuddly, even flirtatious.

But, things have become muddled. The algae has clouded my vision and blocked out my efforts to shine for you. And, I don't know if I should keep swimming and hope that someone cleans my tank and gives me a window of clarity or go belly up and float.

You. You are not like the others, so it isn't fair to compare you to them. You are someone whom I heart and value above all. You have given me support, encouragement, guidance, compassion, and honesty. You have been the breath of fresh air that has filled my lungs.

But, now dear you must know that I want you to find and fulfill your destiny, because until you can figure out what that is and how to do it...you will never be happy and content in your own skin, nor will you ever be happy and content with anyone else.

I want so badly to be selfish, but I have to put my wants aside. I care about you. I will not hold you back from anything or anyone that you want, need, or desire. I will care for and about you from afar. I will be whatever you want or need me to be.

Please know that is not because I am desperate, a doormat, or a delusional fool. It is because I do truly love you. I am your penguin. I have been gathering stones for you and that's exactly what I'll continue to do. I'll make a beautiful nest for you and yours...

...and maybe one day in the future, you will choose me to be one of them...