Mourning You
Whispers of Lost Fantasies and Dancing Shadows
It's not as easy as, "I'll never speak to you again,"
But it's as difficult as, "I need to let go."
You see, I can't just switch off this heart of mine,
But I can recognize when things aren't progressing.
When I say I need more, I don't mean to undermine your progress.
For me, it means I need to know you more.
You say the words, and they truly are beautiful.
They give me a moment of joy, and my heart flutters a beat.
But in that same spell, it all vanishes, and darkness returns.
I want more.
More light in moments, even when you're not there.
More joy in memories, even when we can't share.
More of your voice and fewer blue lights on a screen.
More enthusiasm at the thought of us and less draining dread.
More eagerness to share stories and challenges.
More listening to each other's heartfelt dreams.
More planning and dreaming beyond a ceremony and a day.
More praying together for our days and our futures.
More sharing scripture and discovering how amazing God really is.
More life and questions about our kin.
More curiosity about the new things they did.
More clarity of crystals even in the fog.
More safety and a steadfast vision of God.
When I say I want more, I need a foundation of truth.
I need understanding of who we both are.
I need to share pieces of glass that can be joined together.
I need to know I can be myself, and you can be yourself.
I need to understand that we all have our roles, but home is just home.
For me, the words "I love you" are just plain words,
But when it's "I'm in love with you," I set sail.
Then I know that you love who I am and could be,
Willing to move mountains and set sail on a seed of hope and faith, like a grain of mustard.
That together, we can build a legacy unknown.
Not just blue lights on a screen, but a combined tree foretold.
I'm slowly on the cusp of understanding,
Knowing truly that my hunch was clear,
That I truly never was the one, but a fallback.
That the changes you made weren't for yourself,
Yet I wish you understood that they needed to be for yourself.
That we cannot exist until you exist for yourself.
That you cannot love until you accept yourself.
"I need more" means I am forced to mourn you,
To surrender you completely into His hands,
Knowing He knows best what's best for you.
So I surrender, yet I mourn you,
Understanding more and more that I mourned the idea of you.
About the Creator
Rebecca O.
I am simply walking along the steps of my life's corridor, tempted to find bliss in the absence of my thoughts.
Here i share my thoughts to help me stay sane, some of my experiences and maybe some advice as i figure it out.
#IAMRAO
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Comments (1)
I understand these feelings so well - knowing that others are truly unknowable, and that letting go is necessary sometimes can be so painful. But there's beauty in the mystery of other people. You did a good job of showing the line between 'love' passive and 'in love' active, and the feeling of being stuck when someone treats you as if they are stuck between the two, at least that's what I took away from this.