Mother Of Mania

You have always been a part of me,

created from my flesh and forced from my body into this fucked up world.

I wonder if I failed you somewhere along the way?

Was I too harsh or not strict enough?

I tried to keep myself in the middle but maybe I didn’t try hard enough

and now your head is in the clouds like an escaped aircraft and no one is actually holding the steering wheel.

I’m stressed and can’t sleep because I can’t fix you or keep you safe from everything

like when you were brand new and smelled like something clean and fresh and not yet exposed to the raw reality of humanity. I would watch you sleep and watch your chest rise and fall because I needed to know you were here and real.

I can’t rewire your brain. I read when I can’t sleep. Advice from here and there, stuck on Reddit posts from other parents whose kid’s mind is a battlefield. We can’t sign up for the army to fight this fight for them though. I can remind you this time that you’re here and real. That I’ll fight the night for you and all your demons however I can.

I can’t be in that cold quiet place of routine with you fully, but piece me together from your favorite memories until your mind finds its footing on those stormy seas. You have your sea legs now, but I’ll see you when you’re steady again.