Moon, We Need to Talk About Your Life Choices

Dear Moon,

I'm writing this because I care.

We've been neighbors for a while now

and I've noticed some things

that have me a little concerned.

First off, why are you hanging out

with the sun so much?

I get it, opposites attract, whatever,

but the guy is literally a ball of fire

with anger management issues.

Every time you get too close

he has a total meltdown.

That's not healthy, Moon.

You deserve better.

And can we discuss your living situation?

You've been in the same place

since before dinosaurs existed.

Don't you ever want to see new things?

Saturn's got some great rings,

I hear the neighborhood is nice.

I'm also worried about your job.

You've been working the night shift

for four billion years straight.

No vacation days. No sick leave.

And your boss, Gravity,

sounds like a real piece of work.

"You can't leave, you're in my orbit."

That's literally workplace abuse, Moon.

Call HR. I'm serious.

Another thing, the face situation.

You keep showing everyone the same side

like you're hiding something back there.

What's on the dark side, Moon?

A messy room? Embarrassing posters?

We've all got our stuff.

Nobody's judging.

Okay, everyone's judging a little,

but that's only because you're so secretive.

Can we talk about your friends?

Wolves, werewolves, poets,

and people who make bad decisions

That's your whole social circle.

Where are the stable ones, Moon?

Where are the people with dental insurance

and reasonable bedtimes?

I know you've been going through phases lately.

Waxing, waning, new moon, full moon,

it's a lot of change in a short time.

But maybe you need to find yourself

and stick with it for a while.

You can't keep reinventing yourself every week

and expect people to keep up.

Look, I love you, Moon.

You light up my nights,

you make the ocean do that cool wavy thing,

and you've been there for every weird moment

of human history without complaining once.

But I'm worried you're stuck in a rut.

So, here's what I'm proposing,

Next time you're full, really OWN it.

Show up bright, be proud of those craters,

stop letting the sun take all the credit

for the solar system's success.

You're valid, Moon.

And maybe, just maybe,

show us that other side sometime.

We promise we won't judge.

We're all a little crater-faced

if we're being honest.

Love always,

Your friend down here

P.S. If you need help moving away from the sun,

I know a guy with a really big rocket.

Just say the word.