Maybe I Shouldn't Be Saying This.

You would be wrong for thinking that I loved you,

I never did;

I was bonded by fear and silence, by your fists and your heartless words.

These weapons only left visible and invisible scars that wounded my heart, body and mind in ways that were unexplainable to any human being who dared to ask.

I was already wounded when we met, by people who claimed they loved me, then banished me to the streets for speaking out about the cruel things they did to me.

Trauma bonded by heart and soul,

Reaching out to anyone just so I could feel love;

Love wasn't in those cruel words and bruises that they and you left on my body, and in my heart and soul. They only served to belittle me and keep me in the dangers of a toxic relationship, a place I didn't belong.

Then came the kids.

They were the best thing that came out of it, and I had dreams for their future. I only wanted to give them the best in life and shower them with a love that I never knew.

No!

That wasn't good enough for you.

A spotless home and a woman you could control were the only things you were ever happy with. A woman who tried to live her life, look after her kids, and have a decent friendship circle was something that was strictly forbidden.

A woman whose home or behaviour wasn't perfect wasn't enough for you to love her. A woman who didn't care about having a spotless home so she could spend time with her kids was something unthought of in your eyes.

In your opinion, I was useless and weak, friendless unless you approved. I was made to walk alone unless I walked with you and your circle of friends, or your family approved of me.

I didn't dare speak out.

Too scared to stay, and too scared to leave because I was afraid of being alone.

Everything I did was a plea for you to stop hurting me. I didn't think about the damage it was doing to me; I thought about keeping the peace for my kids.

What peace?

I was a fool for thinking that staying caught in a cycle of abuse was going to bring me or my kids any peace.

Yet;

Like a good girl, I held on, continuing to be conditioned by you just to avoid being abused again, to feel loved by you even though I never wanted it.

I fell in love with your best friend, and I almost strayed. Given half a chance, I would have.

They say forgiveness opens new doors, but I won't forgive you.

The only person I will forgive is myself, because forgiving myself allows me to enjoy the happy, stable and secure life that I have built with my family, my husband, children and myself today.

The bruises and scars still live in me, but at least I walk in happiness from today.