Luminous, Lackluster Array

Thinking back on younger years,

Recalling great excitement and magic,

with pain, fear, and loneliness around most corners.

This was my normal.

“You have depression.”

Ambitious goals are set, many met,

Riding waves of glistening gold –

I feel shiny and I sparkle.

I trip, ever so slightly,

And gravity hurls me into a deep abyss.

It’s very dark – so dark -

I cannot see my way out.

I feel transparent.

I have bipolar II.

Navigating the world –

In its shiny, bursting beauty and brightness, pulled from perfect dreams,

Which without warning fully absorbs the light and turn to darkness and solitude -

Is a complicated game.

I’ve become more adept at noticing,

At sensing the swells before they obliterate,

And living in the energy without becoming it.

Some days.

Some days, I eat French cream puffs on a grassy trail by the river;

My dog and I befriend all the wildlife, basking in the perfect sun, later running 100 miles through the woods. There is no happiness greater or ambition too large.

Some days, I do not exist.

I try to feel without soaring too high, falling too deep.

She strives –

for translucency.