Love/Resentment

Love, turned to resentment

Discontentment

All alone

Feel it in every bone

I beg for solace

Try not to turn malice

Relief only lasts for a moment

My pleas return no atonement

More burdens to bear

Nobody to share

My mind races

Your touch only left traces

Don’t I deserve better

Do my feelings matter

You used to make me blush

But now I have given so much

You seem beyond reach

Never put you on a leash

Let you be

Free

To do as you please

Expecting that you would come back to me

But now my anger boils

My heart in spoils

All this time

When have you ever really been mine?

Always away in the distance

I feel as if you never listened

No strength to lead me

No clue where you may be

Decisions made without my input

In love this doesn’t compute

Used to cater to your needs

Whatever your heart heeds

Gave you my all

Would catch you when you fall

Now I feel so disregarded

Broken hearted

So many of my needs left unmet

Has left me so upset

Never asked for a lot

Guess that’s just how I was taught

Now your complacent

With this arrangement

While I am bitter

But never been a quitter

So, I keep going

Always just hoping

For a little more

Now loving you feels like a chore

Used to make my heart race

With every embrace

Now my annoyance grows

I wonder if it shows

Do you feel my disengagement?

My lack of excitement?

I know my text have lessoned

I no longer even bother to pretend

All this distance

Has left me in silence

As I share my emotions

I feel you lack devotion

I would have given you everything

Done absolutely anything

Now I feel cold

Never here to hold

Never one to lack independence

I have begun to feel indifference

Present or not

I no longer feel distraught

My sadness turned to wrath

Makes me consider another path

My desire turned to boredom

Now just very lonesome

What keeps me around?

A question that does confound

A tiny life

Don’t want him to feel strive

3 more

You they adore

So now I am stuck

Doesn’t that suck

Can’t tell them mommy was tired of being alone

Your sins I will have to atone

I still sit in silence

Trying to keep the balance

My feelings unheeded

My determination depleted

Stuck in a rut

Bad feeling in my gut

Always chosen last

I thought that time had past

Thought you were the one

Not just for some fun

Thought you would help me see

A world that wasn’t so mean

Sought to build a life with thee

Now all I see is me

Thoughts of marriage once danced in my mind

But now I question if you are the right kind

Should be a leader

But at that you faulter

Not sure you be right to meet at the alter

Dependable, you are not

I’m left to handle a lot

Not just your absence

Makes me question your allegiance

Your lack of caring

Lack of sharing

Lack of compassion

While I’m losing traction

Tell you my needs

Till my heart bleeds

My heart races

Nothing changes

I wait and wait

Try to keep my head straight

Days turn to months

And months to years

When do I acknowledge my tears?

Give into my fears?

Lack of communication

Sometimes there is absolutely none

Tell me my feelings, I should reveal

But your words have lost their appeal

Often, I express my displeasure

But never does it get better

A broken record

That’s how I feel

Maybe this poem will hit a cord

I am just trying to be real

So many expectations of me

But what about thee?

I’m laying the foundation

A legend in the making

But what did you do?

Weren’t you supposed to build with me to?

To many distractions

I wonder if you will realize that with reflections

By then will it be to late?

Maybe that was fate

Cruel and twisted as I knew it to be

Even when you tried to unconvince me

Will I give up?

When will I have had enough?

Will I seek solace in another?

Not to, I would rather

Will it end in pain?

Will you think I was just too vain?

Will the love die

When I feel as if I am the only one who tried?

I have put you first

Even when it hurt

My strength is running out

It makes me want to shout

I wish you could see

Just fucking acknowledge me

Now I feel my mind wonder

Sometimes to thoughts of another

Something I never dreamed would cross my mind

Maybe that just happens with time

None in particular

Just thoughts if I’d be happier

Someone who’s home

So, I’m not so alone

Someone who understands my struggles

All my troubles

Who listens to my needs

And takes heed

Someone who’s family would love me

One that accepts you and me

Our baby and the other three

Someone who would proudly make me their wife

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so much strife

The commitment I once felt

I can feel it begin to melt

Or maybe I’d be happier alone

Just call any man I please when I want to bone

Forget about love

I think for me it’s like a dove

High in the sky

It just flew on bye

Better on my own

Like a stone

Focus on my children

They will be one in a million

And my existence will fade away

One day

Always wanted to make a difference

But now I feel like all I want is distance

When will I be enough

Not have to be so tough

Drowning in insecurities

My mind disappearing into obscurity

Shaking in defeat

Hard to eat

Still there is nobody here for me

Nobody ever sees

The weight on my shoulders

Like boulders

Crushing my soul

I feel so cold

A fight that never ends

Never time to mend

As I struggle to keep it in

It wants to burst out of my skin

The hurt

Sometimes it makes me so curt

Despair

Life can be so unfair

Why does life need so many lessons

So much nonsense

I seek simplicity

But challenges I guess I have an affinity

Love and connection,

Just a dream for me

Seeking affection

Brought nothing but pain to me

I feel my heart beating

My mind always reeling

No one to love me

While I give so much to others

Why can’t you see

At some point we cannot recover

I say how I feel

But I don’t think you believe it is real

So, I wrote you an essay

Hoping your feeling I could sway

But I know you better then you know yourself

You’re like an ice shelf

Feelings mean nothing

You are terrible at loving

Emotions

Never bring on your devotion

The only time I feel your desire

Is when by others my interest is acquired

Or when you seek for pleasure from me

Why do I have to be on my knees

For you to, see?

Where is my voice?

Where is my choice?

Emotions drive my existence

But you fail to see this regardless of my persistence

So easy for you to leave

I often wonder if you would really grieve

Would my disappearance

Ever affect your existence?

I do not understand your methodology

It does not mesh ethologically

You give me nothing

Leave me wanting

You want my devotion

Yet your actions leave me zero notions

As to why,

I should even try

Devotion to what?

Always being in a rut?

love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person

That’s the definition

Yet my opinion of you just worsens

Like breaking me down is your mission

Like what I am, Isn’t worth it

A little damaged I will admit

But loyalty was not something I ever struggled with

Treat me right

For you I would always fight

Instead, I feel

Like I’m fighting for something that isn’t real

A façade

Your understanding flawed

I can’t live like this

I feel as if I am drowning in the abyss

It makes me angry

Leaves me so blankly

My feelings drive my obedience

Because my experience

Has taught me to separate

To hate

If I didn’t love you

Away I already would have flew

But I feel the love dying

I no longer feel like trying

I feel angry of the mess you have made of me

Feel frustrated of what you have made me be

I do not feel myself

Attempting to adapt to yourself

I feel lost

So many lines you have crossed

Always forgiving

That’s always been my standard of living

Forgive those who have done me wrong

Been like this all along

The darkness I have faced

My life always tempted fate

Every battle I have aced

Done my best to not take the bait

Just keep moving

Like I am always grooving

Like nothing is faulty

Even when I feel salty

But what do I do

When love has always made me a fool?

I give all I have

So, others will not feel so bad

I cry to myself

So others do not know

How I have put up so many shells

I feel as if I cannot grow

Put in a box

With so many locks

Can’t make real friends

Feels like it’s all pretend

I open up

I leave feeling beat up

Starving for affection

Just a little attention

What happened to the man

Who made me feel like nobody can

Who would hold me for days

Always begged me to stay

The man I fell in love with

Is that all just now a myth

A love without words

Something to look towards

My strength when I am weak

Only with you could I be meek

Vunerable

My calm and clarity recoverable

That first kiss

The sparks could not be missed

The way you held me

Pulled me closer to thee

Wrapped me in your arms

Like your little good luck charm

Thought you’d never let go

When you did, I could see your eyes glow

Now our kisses miss that passion

Like your affection has been rationed

Can I have back just a fraction?

Without it our love is meaningless

Lost it cohesiveness

What is the remedy

I wish it would come to me