lost childhood

I had comfort once

I remember havin’ it all

before she was born

ruinin’ it all

*

I had parents once

they turned into monsters

all they did was neglect, negate

the person I wanted to be

*

I felt like a hollow fruit

the world stopped receivin’ me

I am not heard

since then

*

when all comfort has been replaced

by insecurities in large amounts

every corner started to scream

“we don’t need you! go away!”

*

I have tried to rationalise it

ask them what the cause was

their mouth muffled, mumblin’ nonsense

to this day shut, locked in a dark chest

*

some of them lie neatly in the coffin

others will benefit

from every opportunity

to get even with me

*

but why would you want to get even

with your own children?

why have I always been

their enemy

*

even though I never planned anythin’

against them?

I never dared to suspect

that they always had me at gunpoint

*

what is it then

with a lost childhood?

childhood dreams that I miss

is it still

*

a reality I wanted to live

as an adult not havin’

parents at my mature age ?

people who were supposed to be closest

*

people who brought me up

and promised to be by my side

at least that’s what it says

on my birth certificate

*

which they never admitted

leavin’ me in the deep waters of regret

and conflictin’ feelings

far from comfort

*

but still somewhere close

as I wholeheartedly and wittingly

built this life for myself

which they never wanted to acknowledge

*

and that fine line of parentin'

fades to black

leavin’ sparks, marks, and wounds

worth weighin’

*

in those frail moments when

another panic attack strikes

seized in the face

without mercy

*

so, now I’m sittin’ in the comfort of a rented flat

and no one can tell me what’s wrong and what’s not

cos I have learned over so many years

that even your own blood can tell porkies

*

to get the things they want

to get even or worse

to win this game

where we should be equal from birth

*

September 2022

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Thank you for reading!