Longing

longing,

It always happens during the holidays,

No matter how many phone calls, I make,

Telling others of my plans or the lack there of,

Reassuring them that its okay,

Lying about disspointment has become a trait,

I remind myself it is just a day,

One that can feel surface level, like a display,

But there something about not having a home,

On a day when everyone seems to belong,

I know what my family is up to,

down to the jam packed, sports on the tv, sitting in the family room,

I know the smell that fills the kitchen,

I know contents of some of the gifts given,

but again, I am not there,

I long for the moments they share,

That I see through a screen,

It is a few days before that day arrives,

and I am texting everyone trying to devise,

something that can make this day feel like I am not missing out,

Something I can do, to tell them about,

To justify why I am not there,

There is a lot of lonliness in this world,

I am not unique to this feeling, I am just a girl,

A girl who grew with a Christmas Morning,

A girl who knows what she is missing,

A girl with no plans while everyone else is busy,

Oh pitty me,

Nothing under the Christmas Tree,

I'll probaly go on a walk,

Wear some fuzzy socks,

And call my mom,

Have them pass me around while on the phone,

So I dont feel alone,

Even though Im hundreds of miles away,

Its okay, I promise,

I know I am missed,

I know there is bliss in this stillness,

But I do long the connection,

A place to be in,

A family even if not my own,

A Christmas morning that feels known,

Ill watch a Christmas movie,

Bake my own cinnimon rolls,

Wrap in a blanket so I dont feel cold,

I remind myself, this isnt every year,

Even though I say that same thing again and agian I fear,

So I wont be home for Christmas,

But I will be in my dreams,

Where there is no longing,

Just a place, within a day of belonging.