life lessons

freezing,

fawning

or running away

those were the lessons of my childhood days

the formative years when I needed praise

as a child of sweetness,

love

& grace

.

self expression met with an open palm

just as my silence was

singing brought on physical harm

just as displaying fear caused

.

you gifted a childhood mine will never know

my children will be encouraged to laugh and play and grow

and sing and dance and love and dream

not live in terror of being seen

.

all I ever needed was someone to care

to be soft with me and to stroke my hair

to hold, caress and keep me safe

provide the warmth of a loving embrace

.

instead you threatened me with not being fed

if I didn’t comply with whatever you said

and god forbid if I dared to cry

or tried to protect myself with a lie,

.

remember how you stopped me wetting the bed

by instilling more terror into my head?

“do it again and I’ll smack you harder

you lazy, filthy excuse for a daughter”

.

so never could sleep offer me respite

when you dragged me from dreams in the middle of the night

to harm me for something I did or said

before throwing me back to my attic room bed

.

do you remember the arguments you would instantly dissolve

the ones my sister and I needed your help to resolve?

how you would grab a tight fistful of hair

and smash our heads together in my living nightmare

.

scared to be silent and scared to talk

scared to be still and scared to walk

scared to run and dance and play

scared every. single. fucking. day.

.

and the saddest thing of all is that this was your best

and you weren’t even as bad as some of the rest

but try explaining that that to the little girl

who never got to sing or dance or twirl

.

thank god for those days at my aunt’s

when we got to be loud and free and chant

thank god for the days we stayed with our gran

who never raised her fist or her hand

.

i know your pain and the demons you suffered

i know in many ways you had it tougher

so even without apology for my pain,

i grant you forgiveness but hand back your shame

.

for it was never mine to take and hold

and allow even worse horrors to unfold

i release it all, I give it back

i pray it’s weight doesn’t make you snap

.

smacked,

slapped,

mocked & jeered

those were the feels of my childhood years

the truth behind the false veneer

a prison of terror,

isolation

& tears

.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

This poem was inspired by the Song ‘Matilda’ by Harry Styles. The first time I ever heard it I was completely overwhelmed by my emotional reaction to the opening lyrics.

The realisation that I have so suppressed and downplayed the trauma I endured in the desperate effort to gain my parents affections for some 3 decades had taken its toll.

Shame is a powerful emotion that I have always tried to protect people from. Firstly, it was an unsafe emotion. When my parents feel shame they become vicious, so self preservation taught me to never trigger their shame.

Secondly, to my backward way of thinking I somehow believed that if I protected them from having to face their shame, they would one day love me. Or at the very least have some kind of unspoken appreciation that I covered up for their abuse and neglect.

Of course that didn’t work.

I actually did them a great disservice. I now understand that shame is necessary to trigger remorse, change and growth. My days of trying to help people bypass that through covering up their abusive behaviours are long over.