Life After Death: He lives in you

Trigger Warning: Suicide. If you ever feel like you need help please call this number: 800-273-8255. If you aren't comfortable with calling, you can text the same number. You are not alone.

You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With bruised lips and bit tounge.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With your cold, dead eyes and bent toes.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With the abused body and the heart beat that stopped.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. It should have been me. Not you.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With your heart broken smile and wide shoulders.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With your tousled dark hair and purple skin.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. With your ice cold skin and your sickly smile.

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You shouldn't have been there. In that tub. It should have been me. Not you.

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Recently it was the 11 year anniversary of my best friends passing. He committed suicide and I found him in his home, in the tub. I used to have nightmares about what happened to him and I have dealt with a lot of guilt and shame. This year it hit me harder than it has in the past. I'm not sure why it has hit me harder than other times. I wrote this poem a few years ago. Its short. I know. My friends name is... was Thomas. Below is a letter that I wrote him this year.

My dearest Thomas,

Another year, another day. I miss you dearly. I hope you are dancing with the stars peacefully. Its been great down here... I guess. As great as it can be. We just had a global pandemic! It was fun. We got to stay indoors and not around people. Not really. You know how I am. A social butterfly. I'm almost done with college. You would be proud of me. I am studying Studio Art... just like you suggested 11 years ago... You are one of the reasons that I am doing this. I miss you so much. The nightmares have stopped for the most part. I still see you though in my dreams when things get dicey. I hope that you are dreaming good things... if ghost/angels can dream. I also found someone... Their name is Cole... They remind me so much of you. You both have the same mannerisms. The same energy. The same aura. They would have gotten along with you... At least I hope so. You know what they say about the same energies in the same room... Anyway, I got a new job. I am bartending for a bar at a small bar in the middle of no where. Don't worry, I am not alone. Cole comes with me for the night shift. I quit retail because people are assholes and I can't deal with them. lol. Anyway, I love you... Always and forever. I miss you so much. Wish you were here.

Dance with the stars forever,

Wren Mark Sunflower Gaines :)