Let It Go

Procrastination is my friend

My constant companion

Always with me

Here with me now

Loitering in the background

Smirking

He knows what I’m about

Knows the turmoil within

Hidden

Denied…sometimes

Turmoil known only to the two of us

Usually the company we two keep is quiet

Subtle

Innocuous

Washing the windows when tax forms wait

Scrubbing the bathroom to delay socialising

But tonight there’s nothing subtle

Nothing innocuous

About our often uneasy co-existence

Another player has appeared

Unexpected

Unwelcome

Unwanted

This player doesn’t lurk

Doesn’t sneer

Isn’t intangible like my smirking friend

It has presence

Substance

Mass

And colour… yellow

Yellow

A horrible colour

The colour of bananas

Jaundiced skin

Urine

And now it sits on the table

Perfectly centred

Clashing with the glossy red table top

Waiting

With endless patience

An envelope

Waiting to be opened

Nothing good comes in envelopes these days

Bills

Bogus sweep stakes

Home shopping catalogues

Fines

It wasn’t a bill or fine

Too bulky

It wasn’t sweep stake tempters

With their imperatives to ‘act now to win’ screaming their intent

Something other

Something presaged by an intimidating address

hovering in the top corner

Like a gargoyle

Leering down at my oblivious address

Stranded and alone

Oven scoured

Fridge scrubbed

But my old leering friend is silent

No suggestions

No taunts

Silence

The envelop has weight

Presence

I stall again

Read the address

Not for the first time

Barnstead Noble and Associates

Lawyers

It arrived this morning

A morning for a funeral

A colleague

Suicide

And the request

Wear something yellow

Grieving family

A sister who hugs

Haunted

Lost

And maybe guilty

Met once or twice

Enjoyed

But kept at a distance

Like everyone I know

Except my other good friend

Isolation

Another frequent companion

Not a comfortable friend

Chafing

Clinging

Suffocating

Left behind on this sunny yellow day of grief

Allowing the procrastination to extend

Defer

Delay

The inevitable opening

Choosing a knife

With exaggerated care

Slice the seal

With surgical precision

To find …

A black note book

Black the colour of

Night

Decay

Death…but

My favourite colour

Weathered supple leather

Shows its age

Yellow ribbon a satin tail

Marking well-thumbed pages

And something else

Something sinister

Threatening

Ominous

And just maybe

Life altering

Another envelope

Nothing good comes in envelopes these days

No legal address this time

And no nausea inducing yellow

Just white

Plain white

Innocent enough … except

The handwriting

That crawls

Crawls

Into my brain

The marrow of my bones

The chambers of my heart

My father’s handwriting

Long unseen

But never forgotten

A handwriting that ordered

Demanded

Denied

Home by 10 pm without fail

Choose a more academic subject

Comics are not suitable literature

Story lacks interest and depth

Only a B+

Nothing ever complimentary

Or Praising

Or encouraging

The handwriting of a man devoid

Devoid of warmth

Devoid of tact

Devoid of everything

Except …

Abundant in

Scorn

Impatience

Dismissiveness

Rigidity

An emotional bully

And the occasional proffered slap

The father I had run from

Hidden away from

with an unapproved career

An isolated existence

For years

A decade now

Mother lasted longer

But also escaped

Into another marriage

Into another country

Into happiness

What could he want now

But the hints are there

On this funeral day

Yellow envelope

Lawyer address

He was sick or …

Dead

An attached slip that reads

With deepest regrets …

Last wishes of …

And an indecipherable signature

Ignoring the envelope

Instead thumbing the pages to find

Not the feared diary

Of a bitter man

But random sketches

Musings

Doodles

Jottings

Jottings of encouragement

Affirmation

Inspiration

Promise

Things like

Life is about choices

Let hopes, not hurts shape your future

It’s better to look ahead and prepare than look back and regret

Mind numb

Blank

Slowly stirs

Thinking back to the funeral

The words of love

Sodden with grief

Words of thankfulness

Earnestly spoken

Talk of times shared

Memories held dear

A sister’s tears

Realisation

Would anyone mourn this man

Would anyone mourn … me

Painful thoughts both

The second a barb in my heart

A thief of breath

Something vital to consider

Envelope unsealed

Holding within

A cheque

Twenty thousand dollars

And on the back

Bold letters

Underscored

LET IT ALL GO AND LIVE

Numbness returns

Minutes

Hours

Who knows

Awareness returns

Creeping back

Slowly

Wall clock ticking

Fridge humming

Street noise muffled

The book beckons

Doomed to be ignored ...

For now

It can wait

Procrastinating friend is

Subdued

Chastened

Weakened

Isolation has fled the field

The trio ruptured

The cheque feels warm in my hands

Alive with promise

But it’s the words that have weight

The words that matter

Let it go

Let it go and live

All that’s left of my father

A voice from the grave

But more

So much more than I had before

Before the funeral

Before the envelope of revelation

The envelope of hope

The envelope of promise

A black book to light the way

Funeral clothes re-donned

Florist purchase in hand

Sunflowers

Yellow and bright

For a sister who cried

For a sister who hugged

To offer something

Care

Support

Something

And a chance to move forward

To live … really live