Learning to want to live without You.

“Even at our lowest of lows or the beginning of something huge... we are given the ‘gift of desperation’. We can find beauty in the struggle and hope in the journey”....

First there’s the struggle...

Journal entry #3

The residual effects You will have on me I know,

I’ve realized,

will last a life time.

The sick,

co- dependent bond we have will take so long to break down.

As much hatred as I have for You....

it alone, does not take away from the devastating fact...

You

may always be part of me.

Eradication may never happen completely.

I desperately want to learn how too not see You when I look in the mirror.

Too not feel You when I am anxious.

We have lived with each other, occupying the same space for so long

that I see everything through Your eyes.

I desperately want to see me.

See who and what I am made up of.

What puts me together....

holds me together other than You.

I define myself as You.

as my ED.

I want to see Me in true reality.

A true reflection.

I am...

a mom

a daughter

a sister

a friend

a person who has a love for life.

I am preparing to miss you.

As sick as that is I know it will happen.

Right now I have filled my motivation with hate for You.

and yes,

there is still enough to last my lifetime.

Hate is exhausting though and built on fear.

As I tackle my fears my hate may fade....

and I’ll be left wide open, holding onto only Your fear.

But as I work on my fears, the fear You have created,

will fade away.

I will be able to see what my fears are really built on.

What I am really made of and about.

You have been my one constant.

My one thing that has not left.

But your the only thing that I have ever actually wanted to be left by.

I hate You

I’ve needed You.

I’ve relied on You.

I’ve trusted You.

I’ve built my life around You.

Something that no one can see, not even me.

In living this way, the real things, the real people,

have left.

This can not happen anymore.

So, even if sometimes You are with me,

You can’t be part of me.

All I want right now is to replace your space.

I have to hope...

hope that the people I love, the people I left behind, have not given up on me.

That they still have the capacity to love me and not from a sad,

sad distance.

Too be able to see again the me they once knew...

You made sure, so selfishly sure that they only saw YOU.

By putting the real me back together, the people I love may once again recognize me

and welcome me back.

This is my hope.

This is my reason.

This is my Why.