Lately

explain to me where it went wrong.

how do I continue to end up in similar

situations time after time?

sadness

aimless

depression

anxiety

repeat

an endless cycle of longing

for happiness I've never tasted

only heard of.

never felt

never touched with the tips of my

fingers. That's where it is at,

apparently.

within my grasp, yet not grabbable

unless I am willing to leap, jump,

work harder than I am.

I do work hard, not in a traditional sense.

I work hard to where I wake up.

I work to not shut down. I work

to maintain, and it's not

working

anymore. Then

I am told to work harder.

please,

tell me why I am still this way?

still broken

still beating

myself up for things I cannot control

still angry, so goddamn angry all

of the time.

so devastated in knowing that of all

of those who have not chosen me,

I still have yet to choose myself.

I do not feel stronger

I feel more lost

I do not feel wiser

I feel more innocent.

The more I experience, the more I believe

I am not ready for the world in

this time and place.

The more I say this, the more

it feels like the only peace I have

ever known.

I'm not made for this place, in

this day, at this moment.

The only words that make sense

are as senseless as they come, because

I am fighting to stay awake in a world

I don't belong.

The Paradox.

why am I fighting to fit in a

space that is not prepared to carry

the weight of my existence?

Explain, because lately, I don't have

answers.