Lapis Lazuli

Sometimes I want to run away,

Just me.

It's not because I don't love you

Because I do.

But there's a part of me that cracks a little

Under the weight of being there for others

Including you.

I'm frightened that you might break me.

You would detest me, revile me

If I was in pieces.

I don't like that about myself, my fear of fracture

Because it feels disloyal,

And it suggests that I am weak;

I might be

But I'm continually tested

And still I stay.

It suggests that you are a burden.

A betrayal of all that I am.

*

But, you see, this is not all of me.

You can't have all of me.

It's exclusive and reserved

And it's not for show or sharing.

I am possessive over it,

Like a troll or a dragon

Because it's unadulterated

By the expectations of others

That dilute it into something watery

And lacking viscosity;

Or those that wish to take sips of it

And have that delicious taste for themselves,

Smacking their lips as they feed on the essence

Of me,

Taking it away,

Reshaping me with their greedy slurping.

You're not a vulture

or you don't mean to be, I don't think,

But sometimes, I need to preserve myself

Because I'm in short supply.

*

Sometimes, I dream of being alone:

Away.

A simple existence of mountains and stone.

I weave, I dig, I work.

Wind stirs my hair

And dirt makes dark crescent moons of my nails.

I smell of the earth:

Damp, fecund, rooted.

It's a fantasy life that I will never have

Because it is not me, not really.

It is a place where I wish to repose.

It's an element of my construction:

My steel subframe

But it's not the whole of me.

I am many things.

*

But if I could drop into it for a time,

I would love that.

To shrug off everything else -

To become my simplest form.

To dip my toes in glacial stream,

To breathe deeply surrounded by wildflowers,

To sit with me and all that I am.

-

That's all it is.

I would love that.

*

But you, you would not get that

Because it is away from you

And why would I want that?

You would find that otherness of mine

Something to crush

Because you don't like it;

Because it's other;

Because your head does not work like this.

This tiny fragment of myself I have made into

A small bead of independence

That I hold to my ribs and never let out;

Although, actually, it's hanging there around my neck

Gleaming lapis lazuli blue,

Like the darkest blue sky

Or the deepest blue sea

Or like a lucky talisman

Designed to protect and preserve.

It is beautiful, a polished stone

Flecked with gold.

Smooth it and feel soothed

By the belly button of the world:

Mother, wife, woman.

*

It is not for you;

It is mine

And I will struggle and fight

To not let you have it

Because if I do,

What you don't realise is that we are lost -

And I would not want that for us -

Or you.