Lament of Toilet Bowls

O, Toilet Bowl, why do you make me suffer?

I sat to pee and felt a chill, much colder than sin

I holler for grief, my larynx needs a muffler

*

That which does not kill you won't always make you tougher

My Joy is destroyed, I hear the Weeping Violin

O, Toilet Bowl, why do you make me suffer?

*

I have felt unclean before, but this is much rougher

My tip took a dip, I have defiled my javelin

I holler for grief, my larynx needs a muffler

*

There's regret in my loins, I must run for cover

My nads shrivel and retreat, my life wears thin

O, Toilet Bowl, why do you make me suffer?

*

I dry heave, my throat howls all the gruffer

I want to heal, but where and how to begin?

I holler for grief, my larynx needs a muffler

*

I forsake all love and shall never recover

For I have felt the grim kiss of wet porcelain

O, Toilet Bowl, why do you make me suffer?

I holler for grief, my larynx needs a muffler

***

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Author's note:

I know I'm being a little overdramatic here, but this experience really is a bad one.

I'd imagine that most women probably don't know this, but there's a legitimate reason why we dudes prefer to stand-- if we sit carelessly there's a very real risk of dangling against the porcelain.

Having a good reason to stand by no means excuses us if we leave a mess, it's pretty damn easy to lift the seat or clean as needed or whatever. So shame on guys who leave piss on the seat.

But please, don't ask any man in your household to just sit every time he pees, it's literally not safe-- and he's probably too embarrassed to volunteer this information.

Understandably... because it's horrible, icky, and cringe inducing.

If you've ever felt splash back and hated your life afterwards, magnify that feeling and you'll have some inkling of how deeply unpleasant it is to have your genitals come into contact with the interior of a cold, filthy toilet bowl :(

I'm not an engineer, but I think somebody smarter than me should work on redesigning standard toilets. I think the answer might be simple-- deeper bowls.

Shape them so the fellas don't have to worry about dangling.

Let us sit free, without fear! And many a domestic dispute could be happily erased.

This would also make the necessary sitting, for dropping a deuce, way less complicated and anxiety inducing.