Journey

I see my way through, drawn entirely to you.

By the light of the sky, I see the moon in you eyes.

Why, oh why are you so far?

Like the night stars, longing to touch.

How can I want this so much?

I met you long ago, when we were children.

It seemed like we had forever, and one day I'd be yours and you'd be mine.

We grew up, but did we run out of time?

I saw you, online, for the first time in years.

The butterflies in my stomach shot to my heart like spears.

Weird, haven't had butterflies in ages.

I thought... Too many spirits, I needed sage.

When I got the courage to say hi

Awkwardly, I said more then I expected.

But not enough, I was relieved with a sigh.

Even though, you showed no interest in me.

Not even as friends, but I didn't ask, I wouldn't have wanted that.

The conversation ended with no goodbyes, one can only assume where your head was at.

Afterwards, I began to reminisce.

You were the first boy I ever missed.

We met in 1st grade and by 5th we were best friends.

In 6th you asked me to be your girlfriend, I said yes.

Months later, you gave me a gift for Valentines Day.

My mom said that I was too young to have a boyfriend.

So, we ended it and remained friends.

You moved across the way from the building I lived in.

That was at the beginning of 8th grade.

We hung out everyday after school, when we could.

When I turned 14, I was allowed to have a boyfriend.

Someone else had beat you to the punch.

He and I were already secretly together.

Our families already knew each other.

Through our older brothers.

Even though we never hung out after school, before I could have a boyfriend we talked on the phone only.

So, after school I hung out with him more on the weekends.

I told you we'd be moving, and you seemed sad.

Weeks later on the day that I was moving into our new home, you kissed me.

You kissed me at school, at the end of the day.

You got all my teeth because I was smiling and you caught me off guard.

When I got home, you came over and hung out with me on the back porch and parking lot, as usual.

I asked you not to do that again, only out of respect for my boyfriend.

I watched your face drop from smiling and you put your head down.

In that moment, I could have kissed you myself.

As my heart sunk from the pain that I felt looking at you.

We started talking instead.

I had never been kissed, I perferred it be my boyfriend, I told you.

What I really wanted was to be kissed by you, and right this time.

You talked... I starred at your lips, with my mouth half parted, which you licked several times.

I talked... You starred into my eyes with a sleigh smile, as if you knew what I was thinking.

That thought ran through my mind, of kissing over and over again.

As I was staring at you, talking with you, and watching you smiling again.

Then my boyfriend, his older brother, and our mutual friend got dropped off by their dad.

They all exchanged strange glances, after seeing you standing just inches away from me on the porch.

Right when I was about to confess.

They came over to help with the move.

Your smile left again and so did mine.

I sucked it up though and quickly, got excited to see my boyfriend.

You then went from a look of nothing, to betrayal.

I watched as my boyfriend face steamed with jealousy.

I don't remember because my boyfriend was up the stairs and by us so fast.

I think you said bye and that you will see me at school, and I said okay.

When you got close to your building, I saw you.

You were upset, and hung your head in that cute but annoying way you always did, when you got like that.

We all went to the same school, he knew about the attempted kiss, you see.

That was the last time we were ever alone and that close, physically and as friends.

Everything changed after that, we were never friends again.

I missed you, but I broke our hearts not choosing you.

You looked sad, looking at me every time I saw you at school.

Staring at us be a couple and kissing, knowing it should have been you.

I felt it too, but I wasn't going to break his heart.

I felt terrible but I thought of how you'd find a girlfriend.

I'm not sure if you did in 8th grade because I was consumed and smitten by him.

First love but not that serious, we ended freshman year of high school still virgins.

I assumed that somewhere in life I'd find you again but I didn't know how.

Senior year of high school, I joined Facebook.

You found me and added me, then asked me out.

I was broken up from my then boyfriend.

So, I went out with you.

It was just a movie date, but it was with you, that meant the world to me.

During the movie you put your hand between my thighs and then tasted it.

I wanted more and I'm sure you did as well.

The movie ended, we had to part, we said our goodbyes.

As we did since we met as children, standing outside the theater,

We starred into each others eyes for what seemed like forever.

That was the last I saw your eyes in person.

I wanted you to kiss me, and ask me to be your girl but you didn't.

You didn't even ask me to hangout some more.

I wanted to tell you what you meant to me but I was afraid, that you didn't feel that way.

It had been year's, yet it still felt the same in your presence.

Like home.

We stayed in contact for a while and didn't meet up again.

High School ended and I got back with my ex and the summer was terrible.

You went to the army.

I went to college the following year and had a beautiful baby girl by the end of that year.

My daughter's father and I ended it for good.

I looked for you on Facebook but I didn't know if you were back yet.

The next time I saw your profile years later, you had a kid of your own.

You weren't in my friend's list any more, though.

I sent you a friend request and you accepted.

I stopped paying attention to social media for a while.

Then about 3 years later, I saw you on Facebook looking as handsome as ever.

I had a boyfriend and freaked out and blocked you because I didn't want to feel that for you.

I unblocked you but didn't look at your profile anymore.

Until a year later, I search for you and couldn't find your page.

I assumed you blocked me that time.

5 years of being in my relationship that I thought would never have a true ending, ended.

Which is 2 years after I unblocked you on Facebook and no words were ever said.

I got on my Instagram account and seen that you had followed me.

I followed you back and there was that feeling again.

It made me uneasy and I felt silly, especially older me.

I unfollowed you, then messaged you months later because I couldn't get you out of my head.

I tried to seem uninterested, just in case you weren't single, or simply, not into me back.

From your photo's there hadn't been a women in your life in a while, at least 5 or 6 months, I assumed.

But yet you said you were not single and seemed uninterested in me, as well.

I checked your Facebook after that.

There was a women in a recent photo with your friends.

Half way but the back of her only.

Going based off of the old photos, it's safe to say that that was her.

Even though, her face wasn't on any of the old Instagram photos either.

You two clearly hadn't been together even a year yet, but pretty close, I guessed.

I cried because I just wanted to tell what I never could and still haven't.

I thought that my feelings were just left overs from my breakup, anyway.

That's why I unfollowed you.

Eventually, I had to face facts, that my feelings for you are and will always be genuine.

I had been stopped feeling love towards my ex, just heartache and self pity, for a lack of better words.

For taking him back over and over, only for him to always cheat and become an asshole even more.

I grew angrier and angrier with my ex throughout the years and that was my reaction to his indiscretion.

Cold and bitter towards him and told by him and a few other's that my anger was not valid.

As if I agreed to constantly be cheated on and yelled at for being right and loving unconditionally.

I should have followed this rule, "Once shame on you, twice shame on me, 3 times is the peace sign", should have been the peace sign.

I told my self I would wait years before I give myself to another, and I guess I still will.

Yet, I was shocked at how I could still feel for a man that I never truly got to love.

Other than being one of the, best of my friends, growing up.

I wish you all the best with her, especially, if you marry her.

Of course if it's not that serious and has a different ending, remember me, and reach out.

So that I can tell you what I never got to tell you.

That...

I see my way through, drawn entirely to you.

By the light of the sky, I see the moon in you eyes.

Why, oh why are you so far?

Like the night stars, longing to touch.

How can I want this so much?

You always felt like home.

Longing to be were it feels like I always belonged.

Love you until the end, I will.

If I ever get the chance, I'll tell you that I love you, always have and always will.

By any chance that you feel the same, I will be home, I will be were I belong.

Until then, I'll just keep it to myself and move on.

Life hasn't ever stopped, it demands to keep going.

Accept this time, I have no where to go.

So, I'll move a bit slow, and continue to guide, raise, protect, and watch my daughter as she grow.

Thanks for reading.