Journal Entry: Drowning in the Silence

There’s a weight inside me that no one else can see.

i'm alone....

It doesn’t sit on my chest like an obvious burden, it seeps into my bones, making everything feel heavier, slower, more exhausting.

i can't move.....

It’s like I’m moving through a world coated in thick fog, where every sound is muffled, every color is dull, and every step takes twice as much effort as it should.

i can't breathe.......

I don’t know how to explain this feeling to people who haven’t been here. How do you describe drowning to someone who has only ever known the shore? It isn’t just sadness. It isn’t just tiredness. It’s an emptiness that devours everything in its path, leaving behind only echoes of who I used to be.

no one will remember me.........

Some days, I can still fake it. I can put on the mask, force a smile, and laugh in all the right places. But even then, I feel like a ghost in my own body, watching myself go through the motions without really being there. And on the worst days, the mask slips entirely. Those are the days when even opening my eyes feels like a battle, when my body feels too heavy to move, when the idea of existing for another hour feels unbearable.

please i don't want to wake up...........

The hardest part is knowing that no one can save me from this, not really. People can sit with me, offer me their words, their kindness, their concern. And I love them for it. But at the end of the day, I still have to fight my way out of this darkness alone. And some days, I don’t know if I have the strength.

no one can save me...

I hate how depression warps my thoughts, how it convinces me that I am unworthy, unlovable, a burden. I know it lies. I know this isn’t the truth. But knowing and feeling are two very different things, and sometimes, the feelings win.

you shouldn't be here......

I wish I had an ending to this entry that was hopeful, that said, But I know I’ll be okay. I know this will pass. But right now, I don’t know anything. Right now, all I have is the weight, the silence, and the hope that maybe tomorrow will feel a little bit lighter.

it's heavy, i want this to end........

Author’s Note:

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please reach out. You are not alone, and you are not a burden. Check on your friends, your family, and even the ones who seem the strongest or the quietest sometimes, they’re the ones hurting the most. We live in a world that too often tells us to suffer in silence, but we are not meant to carry our pain alone. Talk about it. Normalize speaking up about mental health. Offer love, patience, and understanding. And if you're struggling, please know that you deserve help, healing, and a life that feels worth living.

There is light beyond this darkness. Even if you can’t see it right now, it is still there, waiting for you. Hold on. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to ask for help <3

We are in this together!

Love, Cai